A photo of something that makes me happy -
Shall I post a picture of my family? How about my friends? What about a photo of Paris or New York City? Music makes me happy and so does food--I could post a picture of one of those things. I could download a picture of something special I guess but does that miss the point of the challenge?
I will have to think about this a little while longer.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Challenge Day 20
The meaning behind my blog name -
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Challenge Day 19
Another picture of myself -
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Withdraw
Regret is a terrible emotion, a terrible place to be. When I make a choice to do something or say something, I am not thinking "I sure hope this makes my life more difficult" or "I hope that once I say this I'll feel badly about myself." Unfortunately I do say things or do things that I wish I could take back. I would love a rewind button. I'd go back and withdraw whatever it is that I did or said that has brought me to the place where I start to think about regret...
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Challenge Day 18
Something I crave a lot -
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Challenge Day 17
A photo of me and my family -
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
Since that picture it's been tougher to get us all in one place, sitting still and my sisters tend to be pregnant so the family isn't done growing...here's an update from 2008 and, yes, Brenda is pregnant with another set of twins:
 |
Look at that platinum hair! I loved that hair. Mikal, my sister's eldest, is always goofing off--that's her with the tongue out. Luckily everyone else is behaving slightly more appropriately though this is one millisecond in time so it's quite an achievement to catch on film.
They may be crazy but they're mine and I love them!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Release
i want to let you go i want to move on feel free of you of your love of all the memories of the ghost of you in my life i want you back i want to be released i want something i cannot put a finger on or describe adequately i want to stop thinking feeling being hurt lost down blue green jealous anxious i want to be free like you are free like you seem free of it all i want to erase all memory of you i want to erase all hope for the happiness we could have should have would have had if everything were different i am tired of being that girl the one he wishes he met before before them before her before this before that before what you didn't you met me now and now it's time to choose oh you did you chose but not me i should be grateful right but i'm not i can't think of any reason to be glad only all the reasons why i asked you to pick me and i see all your reasons for not picking me because i'm not dumb or blind or whatever you must believe about me i see hard times ahead for me for you for everyone i see recovery and release but i also see time and distance i am looking for changes to make so that i am not reminded every day of you of what i lost yes i feel like there was a competition and i could have won but i didn't i lost i want to limit the number of times i'm reminded of you of us of love of happy of smiling of laughing of looking at you and seeing what i have wanted but what i cannot have what someone else gets i hope she loves you that she never once looks at you and thinks she could have done better or wishes you were different that she never takes who you are for granted i want to be released of all this of this conversation in my head this constant nagging feeling that i will never be the same again and that without you i will struggle to survive my life because with you i would have overcome mountainous obstacles i would have become an amazing woman and partner i would have learned to really love forever i would have known what being accepted as is one hundred percent please let me go so i can let you go i don't want to let you go i don't want you to let me go i don't want our link broken i am not the best i can be without you in my life but i need release i need new memories i need love and acceptance i need you i need you in my life to love me to protect me to take care of me and i need to love you and protect you and take care of you but i know that is just me hoping dreaming wanting more than is possible from life from you from this when will we be okay happy free whole is it a choice i make to suffer to continue or is something really wrong with the way things are right now i don't want you to suffer and being with me means you will suffer i cannot ask that of you because i do i do love you and i do want you to be happy i want to be happy too not being with you means i suffer i want to be happy i want to be loved i want to be accepted i want to be released released from pain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)