Honesty

He asked me if I still love you.

I could have lied. I could have said, "No, not anymore." But lying will get me nowhere and fast. I didn't say anything, not at first. I tried to think of how to say the words without hurting him, without doing damage to our fragile beginning and without lying. My mind raced and my heart panicked. What if I tell the truth and he walks away?

He said, "It's okay if you do. I don't expect you to suddenly stop feeling. I'm only asking for a chance."

"Yes, I still love him," I admitted. I waited for the inevitable abandonment which didn't come. He put his arms around me and said, "I will wait."

I don't believe that he loves me...not yet, but I know that it's a possibility, something on the horizon, and that as he comes to love me, I will love him. I am not sure how to feel about this and it's like the proverbial "elephant in the room." There was a time when I couldn't fathom loving anyone else but you.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to stop loving you. Maybe I never will. Maybe you will always own a part of my heart. Whether he has the rest or someone else wrestles it away from him is something for the future to decide. My wish, before this moment, yesterday, was that you would wrestle what was yours back from him, that you would declare that I belong to you.

Yes, I know. You made your choice and we both get to suffer for it--that's the part that is hard for me. I love you so much that knowing that you hurt, that you suffer, that your happiness is not secured for all time hurts my heart. You were the salve to soothe my soul and I wanted to be the same for you...I know, you said, it's not to be. You made the choice that is right for you, for your life and your family.

He is breaking through the walls and he will win the prize. I will let him. I'm sorry but I won't go through life without love, without someone IN my life, loving me, letting me love him openly and absolutely. So I will let him break down the walls, the same walls you tore through almost one year ago, walls I put back into place when you made your fateful choice about us. Don't cut me out of your life. I believe that someday we'll be in a place where being friends and knowing what's happening to the other won't hurt, won't harm, won't destroy.

If he asks again, my answer will be different.

Still

Nearly a month has gone past since you said that you no longer feel the same way about me as you did, as I do about you--in essence, that you don't love me anymore. I have felt every possible emotion and feeling. And then just when I think I'm making progress I see you...but not you.

I was walking to an appointment and I saw you walking in front of me. I hurried my steps, apprehensive that it would be you, terrorized that it wasn't. I touched your arm and you turned. "I'm sorry; I thought you were someone else." I moved away, head down to hide the tears. "Why?" I asked myself, "Why is he still affecting me? Why do I still miss him?"

More often than not I want to reach out, beg you to come back to me, that I will take whatever I can get, whatever crumb is thrown my way because nothing is so painful and the memories only rub my wounds more raw. I don't want to hide away my heart, lock it away from love but at some point the pain becomes more than I can stand.

I know. I know that reaching out and begging will only bring more pain. I have to believe that my heart will heal, that I'll move on, that someone new will love me and I will eventually let him into my heart. Remember how hard it was to get me to lower my defenses? He will find the same potholes and speed bumps. Unfortunately those potholes are now deeper and the speed bumps sharper. I'm not blaming you. I accept full responsibility for my actions and the consequences.

I realy don't want to keep talking about this and I certainly don't want to be feeling this way anymore. You don't love me. I get that. You don't want me anymore. I get that. So why would I take you back were you to call me, tell me you changed your mind? One word, one stupid, little word.

Still.

I still love you.
I still miss you.
I still cry and hurt.
I still want you.
I still do.

Lost

Every once in a while I see a child and my heart hurts. Not because of the conclusion you may automatically jump to, no, this is for the loss of an opportunity. And, sometimes, following closely behind, is the realization that my life is not exactly how I had hoped it would be when I dreamed of it as a little girl.

I won't address every aspect of my current life that doesn't meet the dreams I had as a child, I only want to speak about having a family. Yes, this could be surprising to folks who know me--I wanted my own family. I wanted a husband and children.

I remember as a teenager thinking that eleven children would be fabulous. We'd have a football team as long as everyone played both sides. Or maybe nine kids and our very own baseball team. I was raised in a family of 5 which is technically a basketball team and that might work. As I got older and more selfish I realized tennis doubles would probably be best.

Then I didn't get married which will need to be a separate post. As the years ticked by and I remained unmarried I tried to cut the need for my own children, my own family, out of my heart. I figured that if I could convince myself that I didn't want a family the pain I was feeling would go away. All the convincing in the world wasn't working though and my heart hurt a lot. I struggled attending church because all around me I saw this thing I wanted but couldn't find or get. I made me wrong, incomplete and undesirable because I wasn't married with children.

I met a man with a small daughter and we fell in love. One night, laying in bed next to him, I realized that I loved her too and my heart started to heal from the pain of not being a mother. I mean, if I couldn't be a biological mother, at least I could be a step-mom. For years that role met the needs I had and had been burying away. My husband didn't want more children so I convinced myself that I didn't either.

After years of physical suffering, I decided that I wasn't ever going to use my uterus so I had a hysterectomy. It wasn't a decision that I made overnight, it was years in the making. The freedom from the constant recurring pain is indescribable--just as indescribable as the pain since my teenage years. I don't regret that choice. I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.

My heart hasn't yearned for a child or for children. I'm not one of those 40-something women who suddenly must have a kid or my life won't be complete. I can understand the desire to procreate or even to care for a child. I just don't have those desperate feelings.

Yet, every once in a while I see a small child and, for whatever reason, I want to be a mom. I feel the enormity of the lost opportunities crash all around me and have to grieve again. I wonder what it would feel like to hold a child in my now non-existent womb. I wonder how I'd be as a parent. I wonder what my children's names would be, what color hair they would have, how different their personalities would be.

I did make a good step-mom and maybe I can be a step-mom again but as I continue on as an unmarried woman I see the probabilities of that role slip farther and farther away. So I am back to trying to convince myself that I don't want my own little family. I try to convince myself that "Aunt" is enough. I try to feel fulfilled as a woman without having the chance to be a mother.

Yet...I still want that dream, I still want the husband and family.

Lucky

I am amazing.

When I look in the mirror I don't always see myself as others see me. Today I see a strong, powerful, amazing woman. I'm open, caring, generous, loving, talented. Sure, I can be cautious and afraid--I'm human after all--but mostly I am amazing.

And...I loved you. Of all the candidates to choose from, I opened my heart to you and I let you in. You may have battered at the door, I still had to undo the lock. I chose you. I remember the moment when I picked, standing on the corner of the city street on a chilly, overcast day, I said "Yes."

I will not regret my choice, that decision to open the way, nor will I dwell on the times I let fear hold me back because I eventually allowed myself to be loved and to love...completely, absolutely, without restraint. I never wanted you to be different, I only wanted the situation to be changed--a situation you would not, will not change.

Now I want to point out (just in case denial clouds your vision entirely) that you are the luckiest man alive.

But your luck has run out.

Pain

Nothing hurts like "I don't love you anymore." Nothing.

First, there was surprise. Could this be happening? Next, humiliation. All those stupid things I did, thinking I was loved. How could I be so stupid? After the shock came the pain. Pain accompanied by tears. I guess I should have expected this--the situation was not sustainable. Unfortunately, since my feelings hadn't changed, I was surprised.

Friends, family and even my therapist are quick to point out that I do deserve to be loved, to be chosen over all others but the truth is I don't really believe it. The evidence? If I believed I deserve to be loved and chosen above all other women, I would be. I wouldn't take just the crumbs offered to me by men who cannot or will not give me all that I deserve, all that I need.

I wish there was some magic pill or incantation I could say that would alter what I believe about myself and my life. I'm 45-years-old and I want to be loved. It's not a crime and it doesn't make me weak or less.

So you may never read this, may never know how much your words hurt me. Maybe you know. Maybe you care that your words hurt me. Maybe you don't and it can't matter to me, not anymore. Now I have to say enough is enough. Now I have to love me more than I love you. Now the pain of loving you is greater than not loving you.

While the pain persists all I can do is endure, wait it out and get to the same place...where I can say "I don't love you anymore."

Answers

Have you ever given someone the answer, the one you knew they were looking for but couldn’t find? It didn’t work out exactly, did it? That’s because the person you gave the answer to had to find the answer for him/herself. There’s just no other way. Think about that for a moment. The last time someone gave you precise advice (not the “keep your chin up” variety that we generally get and give but the very precise “go knock on 10 doors and ask everyone who answers for a cup of sugar” type), how did you take it? Did you take it? Come on, be honest. Did you really?

It is easy to see solutions for other people’s problems because we aren’t caught up in the day-to-day details of being that other person. We don’t understand their fears from a visceral perspective. We don’t have the same experiences, haven’t walked the same pathway, haven’t lived through the same consequences. Solutions seem so clear to us and, maybe, the solution is clear but that’s not any reason to expect another person, with free will, to follow our advice.

Plus, giving an answer defeats the growth purpose of a problem. Yes, there is a purpose to every problem, a lesson to be learned and not just to avoid having that problem or a similar issue repeated. Finding solutions to problems is empowering to an individual. Finding a solution and following through with the solution increases self-esteem. Taking responsibility for the problem and enacting the solution frees us from the misery of being a victim—and being a victim is not fun.

When you look at my life you see ways I could resolve my problems. Don’t lie. You do. I know you do because when I look at your life I see solutions. I know that you want to give me your solutions and that you want me to act upon them because, from your perspective (and I really have come to hate that word—but that’s a topic for another post), your solution would solve my problem…and therein lies the rub—it’s YOUR solution to MY problem.

The greatest victories in life are in finding one’s own solutions to one’s problems. Don’t believe me? Fine, then keep asking people for advice and then not following it and staying unhappy bogged down in your problem. If you see a repeated pattern of misery and woe, it’s probable that you’re either (1) not trying to solve the problem and/or (2) trying other people’s advice/solutions. Or, take a chance, ask The Universe and God for the best possible way to overcome and then do it. Don’t worry if it seems a crazy idea. Sometimes “sweeping up the Cheerios*” teaches you to listen and obey which is the first step required before the “big” answer is given.

I believe that we are on the earth to be happy, to experience joy. I believe that suffering and trials are teaching tools to help us make the necessary changes in our lives, changes that bring us closer to joy and happiness. Choose joy, no matter the perceived outcomes, choose joy and see what happens. Take the first step toward what makes you happiest and the next step will be illuminated. Don’t believe me, no problem, it’s not my promise but it works every time.

By the way, I’m not an expert at finding my own solutions immediately and I often try other people’s advice first which invariably leads to some sort of frustration or disappointment. I know that I’m not as invested in the solution when it wasn’t my idea. That’s human nature—no one likes being told what to do. I prefer being guided to the answer. You are no different than me in this way (even if you start to contradict me in your mind). And, sometimes, I think it would be easier if someone were to just take over my life and live it for me as long as they solve all my problems but that just creates more problems. I’m a free person and I want to make my own choices even if those choices seem “incorrect” to another person. Plus I learn best from my own mistakes (I will take your lessons under consideration though).

Why all this prattling on about answers? I would love to give you plausible, viable solutions to the problems you are facing in your life but even if you were to accept the solution and act upon it, one day you would wake up and think “none of this was my idea” and you would resent me, resent my solution, resent everything that followed. I will not contribute to regret, not yours, not mine. I don’t want you to resent me [to feel aggrieved about something or toward somebody, often because of a perceived wrong or injustice—Encarta Dictionary].

Does this mean that I don’t wish you could see an alternative? I do wish that because I wish you happiness and joy. So, my advice to you is this: be open to joy, be open to a solution that brings you closer to joy, head in that direction no matter how dark the pathway seems for the next step will light up if it’s the right way for you to go. God wants you to be happy on this earth in this life. Yes, He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it.

*In our family “sweeping up the Cheerios” became synonymous with doing something seemingly incongruent with the requested blessing yet, in the end, lead directly to the manifestation of the miracle. Ask me about this some time and I’ll share this family adventure with you.

Brother

My brother is the only man who has been consistently in my life and the lives of my sisters. I know that we all feel much the same...we worship him. Is he perfect? No and we're probably the first to point out just where he misses the mark yet if anyone else were to criticize him in anyway we will defend his honor till the death.


Growing up we endured all manner of acting out by him. He was, after all, the only boy in a family of women...very angry women. I have cried for the hurts he has withstood because of this anger. I wish I could take it all away, take it all back. Yes, he is an amazing person and an honorable man and never deserved to be so treated. I know we all wish we had been gentler with him and his feelings.


Right now I want to honor him, tell the world how amazing he is, how much I love and admire him. He is good. He tries to be just and fair and righteous. He is kind and considerate. He will do anything for a friend and everyone is a friend. He forgives and hopes and loves and sacrifices. 


When he was born my life was turned upside-down and I wasn't sure that this was a good thing. I have said that, had I known the word, I would have called him "Usurper" because that's what he did, he stole my life. He didn't really but as a 2-year-old that's how it felt. By the way, parents, that's how it feels. You may not remember a younger sibling coming into your family and you may have convinced yourself that it's all good but at the time you hated that little f**ker!


As we grew and as our lives fell apart, the only thing we had were each other, the five of us and the only man we knew (the sisters) who wouldn't leave us, wouldn't abandon us ever, is Bradley Davidson Bates. You may read this and think I'm being overly dramatic but I'll tell you what...Brenda summed it up nicely: you know those awful things that happened to other people, those are the things that happened to us. Bradley is always there and always will be.


My sisters have married men very like Bradley and, while they may posture and preen in an attempt to denounce my statement, they know the truth. Michael, Jeremy and Will are all very much made in the mold of Bradley. I was even married to a man similar to Bradley in certain ways.


Now, as a single woman looking for my Last First Kiss, I am looking for someone who reminds me enough of my brother without being weird. Those personality traits that make my brother amazing and wonderful calm me, reassure me and comfort me. I want to be a better person because this someone who is like Bradley is a good person and a great man. 


Yes, I have loved several men who are like Bradley and I will love them forever. I hope and pray for one who will love me back enough to spend the rest of his life with me, because no matter how crazy life gets, I know that with someone like my brother, I will conquer fear, overcome trials and tribulations and live a full and glorious life.


I love you, Bradley Davidson Bates. Thank you for being so wonderful!