She is one of the most destructive forces in nature this paranoia.
She has her nasty claws deep inside me today. She's been creeping up behind me for some time now and I've felt her presence like a haunting, stalking. I turned to face her, to protest with facts and figures but she laughed at me, reached out, grabbed hold of my heart.
Now I see only evidence, feel only panic. I cannot sort through the fiction to find any truth. My critical eye is turned inward and I see all those aspects of me which are less than enough. I don't believe. I don't believe you. I don't believe anyone.
She will break me. She will break me piece-by-fragile-piece until there is nothing left. She is horrible to me, pointing out all those times in the past when she was right, when she knew best, when I was insignificant.
I am afraid; and, fear only reinforces her messages to me and allows those claws to sink deeper.
I am alone. I do not know how to share my feelings with anyone without damaging the relationship because my message will be clear: I do not trust. How can anyone love me if I do not trust?
Yet that is how paranoia finds her way back into my life, because trust can be freely given and then irrevocably destroyed. Doesn't take much, I realize, to trigger my response to trust. It is not a secret...but what do I do now when she has brought me completely to my knees and I need help to stand up and fight back, when I am too exhausted and weak to push her away, when she has drained me of every ounce of self-confidence I possessed?
She is destroying me and I don't know how to stop her.
