Plummet

I am often surprised by how affected I can be by some seemingly trifling thing. This isn't something about me that I like, in fact, I would love to be less affected, less emotional, less attached but I fear that being so would actually make me less of who I am. Lesa likes to remind me that I'm an "all in" type, meaning when I love, I love completely.


When I was younger I was less apt to feel all my feelings. It was easier and safer to bottle them up, store them on a shelf and let the dust collect. Eventually, though, there were more bottles on the shelf collecting dust than the shelf could handle and my internalized feelings became a liability to my existence.


Sorting through all those feelings wasn't a cake-walk, as you can well imagine. I had to deal with abandonment issues, living with alcoholics (sober and not so sober) and the murder of my grandfather. I didn't want to deal with these things but knew that, if I didn't, I'd suffer more and life would be less lovely.


My life is lovely and I agree with Lesa, I am "all in" when it comes to my feelings. This doesn't make me a "Twinkie" though...not in a negative, condescending way. I want to be that woman who feels her feelings and expresses them, shares them with others. I don't want that to change...


But being "all in" also means that occasionally someone's offhand comment does affect me and how I feel. I don't subscribe to the notion that another person causes me to be happy or sad or any other feeling. My feelings are my responsibility but sometimes I do let what others say contribute to how I feel. That is what I'd like to change without building up a wall so thick and tall that no one can scale it and I can't break it down.


So, how do I protect myself from these emotional darts (intentional and unintentional) that are flung my way? I don't like falling down especially when I started out feeling so good.