Plummet

I am often surprised by how affected I can be by some seemingly trifling thing. This isn't something about me that I like, in fact, I would love to be less affected, less emotional, less attached but I fear that being so would actually make me less of who I am. Lesa likes to remind me that I'm an "all in" type, meaning when I love, I love completely.


When I was younger I was less apt to feel all my feelings. It was easier and safer to bottle them up, store them on a shelf and let the dust collect. Eventually, though, there were more bottles on the shelf collecting dust than the shelf could handle and my internalized feelings became a liability to my existence.


Sorting through all those feelings wasn't a cake-walk, as you can well imagine. I had to deal with abandonment issues, living with alcoholics (sober and not so sober) and the murder of my grandfather. I didn't want to deal with these things but knew that, if I didn't, I'd suffer more and life would be less lovely.


My life is lovely and I agree with Lesa, I am "all in" when it comes to my feelings. This doesn't make me a "Twinkie" though...not in a negative, condescending way. I want to be that woman who feels her feelings and expresses them, shares them with others. I don't want that to change...


But being "all in" also means that occasionally someone's offhand comment does affect me and how I feel. I don't subscribe to the notion that another person causes me to be happy or sad or any other feeling. My feelings are my responsibility but sometimes I do let what others say contribute to how I feel. That is what I'd like to change without building up a wall so thick and tall that no one can scale it and I can't break it down.


So, how do I protect myself from these emotional darts (intentional and unintentional) that are flung my way? I don't like falling down especially when I started out feeling so good.

Challenge Day 27

A picture of me last year and now; and how have I changed since - 


Before:

Now:

Three hundred sixty four/five days is a long time that can go by very quickly. In many ways I'm still the same. In other ways I've very different.


One year ago I was new to the DC Metro and still unemployed. I missed my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, and didn't know if I'd made the right choice in moving east. I was living out of a "suitcase" and in the extra bedroom of friends of my parents. I felt pretty low and depressed. At the time I was praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.


Now, a year later, I am a new resident to DC. I miss my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, but I know that I made the right choice. I have my own place with a great view and an awesome commute. I'm employed and I'm starting to make friends. I had a boyfriend (which is no surprise to anyone reading this blog). I still feel pretty low and depressed and I'm back to praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.


My goals for one year from now:

1. A new job where I am valued for my contribution, treated with respect, and rewarded generously.
2. A local group of supportive friends with whom I spend time, share my life and enjoy our time together.
3. A long-term committed relationship with an amazing man who loves me and accepts me exactly as I am and who allows me to do the same for him.

I have an action plan for these goals, starting with letting a bud of faith grow in my head and heart that I am deserving of these miracles in my life.

Challenge Day 30

A photograph of myself today + 
three things that have happened in the past 30 days - 


1. I have survived two natural disasters. On August 23, 2011, a 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook DC (epicenter closer to Richmond VA) during the middle of our work day. Scared a lot of folks who'd never experienced such a thing and led several to believe another terrorist attack was underway. During the last weekend (August 27 - 28, 2011), the entire Eastern Seaboard was hit by Hurricane Irene. No damage to my place, no loss of electricity nor accumulation of water but it was the 'talk of the town.'


2. My ex and I broke up again but not before I begged him to pick me, to take the risk on us, on love, on happiness. Obviously his risk tolerance isn't capable of that choice and I don't fault him. Taking a chance on us would have been life-altering and there is no guarantee that the grass is greener. I have no idea if he misses me or still loves me and I may never find out. The loss of him in my life is more profound than I could have ever imagined.


3. My former roommate, Valerie Schoen, came to visit me and finally got to visit a couple of DC landmarks. I also took her out to Fabbioli Cellars, where I'm a club member. I love sharing Fabbioli with my friends. It's a great little place not too far into VA so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It was fabulous to have her here from a purely selfish perspective and I'm looking forward to having other friends and family come to visit me. 


Me today:

Thank you for cheering me on during this 30-Day Challenge!


Love,
Bonnie

Enough

Pretty
Ambitious
Popular
Sexy
Petite
Sweet
Needy
Skinny
Good
Special
Funny
Athletic
Rich
Young
Independent
Talented
Maternal
Curvy
Generous
Edgy
Kind
Spiritual
Experienced
Loving
Open
Honest
Patient
Accepting
Perfect?


ENOUGH!


When is it...enough? 
When am I...enough? 
Why aren't I...enough?

Challenge Day 29

Something I could never get tired of doing - 


That's great query. I believe that anything we do has the potential to lose it's luster and become torturous. It may take a lifetime for that to happen but I believe that it's a possibility.


What do I love to do? I love to read. I love to travel. I love to walk. I love to eat. I love to spend time with my family. I love to sleep. I love to have sex. I love to be creative and use my mind. I love to interact with others, entertain them when possible and learn from them always.


To pick the one thing I could never get tired of doing, ever, isn't easy. Making those kinds of choices pushes all my commitment-phobia buttons...what if I pick the wrong one? So I'll arbitrarily pick...

Challenge Day 28

My favorite movie - 


Easy, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I still remember sitting in the theater with Megan Baker waiting for the movie to start. The lights lowered. Our fingers were already sticky from the buttered popcorn. I remember the Paramount mountain fading into the opening scene.


Never had I been so enthralled by a movie. Everything about it was perfect to me. I loved how the movie makers guided me on an emotional journey where I experienced fear, excitement, resolve, horror and awe. I was awed.


I decided to study film direction in college because of that movie and even made a short movie my senior year of high school. Of course some stupid professor told our class that women rarely make it in film, especially as directors, unless they sleep their way to the top...yes, he did and, yes, at BYU. So I changed my major...not wanting to sleep my way to the top.


Nevertheless, Raiders has remained my favorite because of how I felt and how my life changed because of it. Thank you Steven Spielberg.

Challenge Day 26

A photo of somewhere I've been to - 


Pick a place. That's more of a challenge than finding the photo itself. I've been to many places. Not as many as some people but I do admit that I've been very lucky to have seen some of the world. As you've learned in Day 23, I've lived in many places including France. I've vacationed to the Caribbean, to Mexico, to Canada, to France, to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef. I've even vacationed to many states (besides the 8 I've lived in, there are only a few I've never been to...AL, MS, OK, NE, KS, MO, IA, SD, NM, and VT). 


So...how do I pick a single photo from a single place?


Impossible.