Challenge Day 1

A photo of myself and a description of how my day was - 


How does one describe a day? Should I judge it, label it, call it "good" or "bad" based on some standard relative to an ideal? I didn't win the lottery so it's a bad day? I'm still alive and there are people in the world who love me so it's a good day?


Saturdays are "chore" day for me usually because that's how I was raised. I did laundry because the pile was starting to impede my ability to navigate through my one-bedroom apartment. I stayed inside for the morning and several hours of the afternoon in a futile effort to avoid the swelter. I joined Shawna on an adventure to the suburbs of Virginia to try a new restaurant (yummy) and then we went to see a silly movie.


I missed my ex and wished there was a way to see him and spend time with him. We're still friends (for which I am grateful) but it might be a bit too soon to "hang out." Maybe I'm kidding myself when I say that I can do it, spend time with him and not touch him, not like I used to, I don't know. Isn't there some kind of inoculation for this addiction?

Challenge

Can I commit to something for 30 days? Something so benign as Nana's 30-Day Challenge? It feels like taking a test, one I'm not prepared for and feel like I'll fail. Am I up to this challenge? Let's see, shall we? Here it is and here I go:

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

Dreaming

I dreamed I sat in a flower garden, under a trellis, when an angel approached my bench. He asked me to quietly watch as all the men from my past walked through the garden. I remembered things about each of those relationships--how I felt, who I was, what I learned. Often I felt thankful, sometimes I felt ashamed. I made some mistakes and hurt others; I did many things right and learned how amazing love can be.


Eventually each man walked in front of the trellis in a parade-like procession and I remarked to myself that no matter the outcome of each relationship I was a better, more complete woman for experiencing life with that man and that one and so on down the line. I saw how each relationship, each man, helped me understand myself, understand more fully what I am looking for from a loving, committed relationship.


After the last man walked by and out of my garden, I turned to my angel and asked, "Why show this to me?" He smiled and waited, silently watching me sort out my feelings. I had cried for losing each relationship because I expected more than what was intended from those experiences. I didn't do the thing I counsel others, I didn't manage my expectations and, when the relationships ended, I was disappointed. I made that disappointment mean that something is wrong with me, who I am, how I am in a relationship, that I am unworthy of love.


I cried on that bench in my garden, under the trellis, with the angel silently watching over me. When the last tear was shed and my soul exhausted, feeling broken and fragile, I looked up into my angel's eyes. He smiled very sweetly, put his hand on my shoulder. "Bonnie, these men are not your Last First Kiss. These men were placed in your life as examples. They are not bad; and you never wasted your time. Each man showed you some part of your Last First Kiss for you to 'try,' to 'experience.' Now you know, you know who you are meant to be with forever."


"But," I cried. "Why so much pain? What good is all the pain?"


"The pain is your own doing. No one caused you pain. No one harmed you. You chose pain because you chose to believe something that was not true and you knew it. Each time, you knew."


I searched my heart for the answers. Was he right? Yes. But why? Why do I keep repeating this pattern of thinking, hoping that this one is the right one, the last one I kiss for the very first time?


As if reading my mind, he gently asked, "What do you believe you deserve?"


I know this answer and it isn't something I want to acknowledge but it is a dream and he is an angel. "I believe that other people deserve more than me, that I am not enough or worthy of receiving the greatest blessings and miracles. I believe that my life will always be a struggle to fend off my fears and attempt to surmount the obstacles. I believe that my Last First Kiss won't find me or want me or love me. I believe all this."


Suddenly everything about the garden changed. The flowers smelled sweeter. The breeze became gentler. The sun shone brighter. The colors seemed truer. "You have immense power, Bonnie. You will receive all your blessings, it is already done and no force can stop the Universe from giving you these things. Do not fret. Hope without expectation. Love without restraint. Forgive yourself your foibles. Let others live their lives. Know. Know that you are loved."


He didn't fade or disappear in a flash but he was gone and I was alone, on the bench, under the trellis, in my flower garden. My soul no longer felt troubled or exhausted, my heart no longer broken. The dream lingered as an echo as I woke.


I do not know how my life will unfold but I do know that I will be blessed, that I will succeed, that my dreams will come true. I am loved and I love. Thank you to all the men who have spent time in my life loving me and teaching me extraordinary things about myself and love. I am grateful to you for being a part of my life, my journey. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and I hope that you will forgive me these hurts. I love you still and forever.

Trust

You asked me to trust you. I was afraid and cried. You thought I wanted to break up because I admitted I was afraid. You asked me to trust, the one thing I didn't want to do. 


At the time I described how I was feeling as if I were standing in a dark room, feeling around for the light, worrying that when I flip the switch I'll be all alone. You said, "You won't be alone."


I know that loving me wasn't easy. I'm not perfect. I've been hurt a lot. My habit is to protect my heart at all costs, to keep my guard up, the walls impenetrable, impregnable. That's not a recipe for a successful relationship, I know. Yet I believed you.


You asked me to trust you. You said, "You won't be alone." I let you into my heart. I relied on you and your love to be my protection. I let myself love you and, for the first time in many years, I loved a man completely, truly.


Now you're not here, not with me. You chose...I lost. I knew it was happening so I did the honorable thing, I let you go. But letting you go hurts and I'm left to repair the walls and protect my broken heart.


You asked me to trust you. You said, "You won't be alone." I am alone. Sometimes the pain is more intense than I can bear and I say to myself, "Never again."


Today I hope that soon you'll change your mind, that you'll pick me, change your life for me. I know, that's just a dream. So, here I am still broken. Broken and alone.