Dreaming

I dreamed I sat in a flower garden, under a trellis, when an angel approached my bench. He asked me to quietly watch as all the men from my past walked through the garden. I remembered things about each of those relationships--how I felt, who I was, what I learned. Often I felt thankful, sometimes I felt ashamed. I made some mistakes and hurt others; I did many things right and learned how amazing love can be.


Eventually each man walked in front of the trellis in a parade-like procession and I remarked to myself that no matter the outcome of each relationship I was a better, more complete woman for experiencing life with that man and that one and so on down the line. I saw how each relationship, each man, helped me understand myself, understand more fully what I am looking for from a loving, committed relationship.


After the last man walked by and out of my garden, I turned to my angel and asked, "Why show this to me?" He smiled and waited, silently watching me sort out my feelings. I had cried for losing each relationship because I expected more than what was intended from those experiences. I didn't do the thing I counsel others, I didn't manage my expectations and, when the relationships ended, I was disappointed. I made that disappointment mean that something is wrong with me, who I am, how I am in a relationship, that I am unworthy of love.


I cried on that bench in my garden, under the trellis, with the angel silently watching over me. When the last tear was shed and my soul exhausted, feeling broken and fragile, I looked up into my angel's eyes. He smiled very sweetly, put his hand on my shoulder. "Bonnie, these men are not your Last First Kiss. These men were placed in your life as examples. They are not bad; and you never wasted your time. Each man showed you some part of your Last First Kiss for you to 'try,' to 'experience.' Now you know, you know who you are meant to be with forever."


"But," I cried. "Why so much pain? What good is all the pain?"


"The pain is your own doing. No one caused you pain. No one harmed you. You chose pain because you chose to believe something that was not true and you knew it. Each time, you knew."


I searched my heart for the answers. Was he right? Yes. But why? Why do I keep repeating this pattern of thinking, hoping that this one is the right one, the last one I kiss for the very first time?


As if reading my mind, he gently asked, "What do you believe you deserve?"


I know this answer and it isn't something I want to acknowledge but it is a dream and he is an angel. "I believe that other people deserve more than me, that I am not enough or worthy of receiving the greatest blessings and miracles. I believe that my life will always be a struggle to fend off my fears and attempt to surmount the obstacles. I believe that my Last First Kiss won't find me or want me or love me. I believe all this."


Suddenly everything about the garden changed. The flowers smelled sweeter. The breeze became gentler. The sun shone brighter. The colors seemed truer. "You have immense power, Bonnie. You will receive all your blessings, it is already done and no force can stop the Universe from giving you these things. Do not fret. Hope without expectation. Love without restraint. Forgive yourself your foibles. Let others live their lives. Know. Know that you are loved."


He didn't fade or disappear in a flash but he was gone and I was alone, on the bench, under the trellis, in my flower garden. My soul no longer felt troubled or exhausted, my heart no longer broken. The dream lingered as an echo as I woke.


I do not know how my life will unfold but I do know that I will be blessed, that I will succeed, that my dreams will come true. I am loved and I love. Thank you to all the men who have spent time in my life loving me and teaching me extraordinary things about myself and love. I am grateful to you for being a part of my life, my journey. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and I hope that you will forgive me these hurts. I love you still and forever.