He asked me if I still love you.
I could have lied. I could have said, "No, not anymore." But lying will get me nowhere and fast. I didn't say anything, not at first. I tried to think of how to say the words without hurting him, without doing damage to our fragile beginning and without lying. My mind raced and my heart panicked. What if I tell the truth and he walks away?
He said, "It's okay if you do. I don't expect you to suddenly stop feeling. I'm only asking for a chance."
"Yes, I still love him," I admitted. I waited for the inevitable abandonment which didn't come. He put his arms around me and said, "I will wait."
I don't believe that he loves me...not yet, but I know that it's a possibility, something on the horizon, and that as he comes to love me, I will love him. I am not sure how to feel about this and it's like the proverbial "elephant in the room." There was a time when I couldn't fathom loving anyone else but you.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to stop loving you. Maybe I never will. Maybe you will always own a part of my heart. Whether he has the rest or someone else wrestles it away from him is something for the future to decide. My wish, before this moment, yesterday, was that you would wrestle what was yours back from him, that you would declare that I belong to you.
Yes, I know. You made your choice and we both get to suffer for it--that's the part that is hard for me. I love you so much that knowing that you hurt, that you suffer, that your happiness is not secured for all time hurts my heart. You were the salve to soothe my soul and I wanted to be the same for you...I know, you said, it's not to be. You made the choice that is right for you, for your life and your family.
He is breaking through the walls and he will win the prize. I will let him. I'm sorry but I won't go through life without love, without someone IN my life, loving me, letting me love him openly and absolutely. So I will let him break down the walls, the same walls you tore through almost one year ago, walls I put back into place when you made your fateful choice about us. Don't cut me out of your life. I believe that someday we'll be in a place where being friends and knowing what's happening to the other won't hurt, won't harm, won't destroy.
If he asks again, my answer will be different.
I could have lied. I could have said, "No, not anymore." But lying will get me nowhere and fast. I didn't say anything, not at first. I tried to think of how to say the words without hurting him, without doing damage to our fragile beginning and without lying. My mind raced and my heart panicked. What if I tell the truth and he walks away?
He said, "It's okay if you do. I don't expect you to suddenly stop feeling. I'm only asking for a chance."
"Yes, I still love him," I admitted. I waited for the inevitable abandonment which didn't come. He put his arms around me and said, "I will wait."
I don't believe that he loves me...not yet, but I know that it's a possibility, something on the horizon, and that as he comes to love me, I will love him. I am not sure how to feel about this and it's like the proverbial "elephant in the room." There was a time when I couldn't fathom loving anyone else but you.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to stop loving you. Maybe I never will. Maybe you will always own a part of my heart. Whether he has the rest or someone else wrestles it away from him is something for the future to decide. My wish, before this moment, yesterday, was that you would wrestle what was yours back from him, that you would declare that I belong to you.
Yes, I know. You made your choice and we both get to suffer for it--that's the part that is hard for me. I love you so much that knowing that you hurt, that you suffer, that your happiness is not secured for all time hurts my heart. You were the salve to soothe my soul and I wanted to be the same for you...I know, you said, it's not to be. You made the choice that is right for you, for your life and your family.
He is breaking through the walls and he will win the prize. I will let him. I'm sorry but I won't go through life without love, without someone IN my life, loving me, letting me love him openly and absolutely. So I will let him break down the walls, the same walls you tore through almost one year ago, walls I put back into place when you made your fateful choice about us. Don't cut me out of your life. I believe that someday we'll be in a place where being friends and knowing what's happening to the other won't hurt, won't harm, won't destroy.
If he asks again, my answer will be different.
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