Pain

Nothing hurts like "I don't love you anymore." Nothing.

First, there was surprise. Could this be happening? Next, humiliation. All those stupid things I did, thinking I was loved. How could I be so stupid? After the shock came the pain. Pain accompanied by tears. I guess I should have expected this--the situation was not sustainable. Unfortunately, since my feelings hadn't changed, I was surprised.

Friends, family and even my therapist are quick to point out that I do deserve to be loved, to be chosen over all others but the truth is I don't really believe it. The evidence? If I believed I deserve to be loved and chosen above all other women, I would be. I wouldn't take just the crumbs offered to me by men who cannot or will not give me all that I deserve, all that I need.

I wish there was some magic pill or incantation I could say that would alter what I believe about myself and my life. I'm 45-years-old and I want to be loved. It's not a crime and it doesn't make me weak or less.

So you may never read this, may never know how much your words hurt me. Maybe you know. Maybe you care that your words hurt me. Maybe you don't and it can't matter to me, not anymore. Now I have to say enough is enough. Now I have to love me more than I love you. Now the pain of loving you is greater than not loving you.

While the pain persists all I can do is endure, wait it out and get to the same place...where I can say "I don't love you anymore."