Apology

My intention is not to sound self-deprecating by apologizing. I also don't want you to feel guilty for any pain I chose to feel. Like I said once before, YOU could not MAKE me happy or sad or any other emotion. My choice to be sad. My choice to be happy. I hope that your intention was never to injure me, that you were honest with me, that I was really important to you. 


I have been feeling very sorry for myself. You made some choices and I made those mean terrible things about me (I did warn you that I might). I should not have but I did. It's not a personality trait I'm proud of but it's one I've had for a long time and I'm not any closer to being free of it than I was 7 months ago. 


Truthfully, I am afraid that it was all a lie, that you lied to me but I believed you then and maybe that needs to be enough. There's really nothing I can do about it if you weren't honest with me about how you felt--I just don't like feeling like a fool and because I don't know for sure if you lied I feel like a fool about it all now. Sure, it's dumb but that's how I feel right now.


I am sorry.


I am sorry for all the times that I caused you pain and hurt you. I never intended to but I know that I did. I rerun memories of those moments and wish I could have a do-over for each time and respond differently. I was so afraid that I used old habits and behaviors, I responded as if you were just like them. That's not right and I apologize.


I am sorry for putting you in a position to make choices that you may or may not wish you hadn't made. I knew better. I did. I do. I wanted to be loved, wanted, so badly that I stopped looking at what it might cost you or me or us. Unfortunately the cost now is almost more than I can bear because we are not friends anymore. No, don't object. You know it's true, we're not. We're former friends and of all that I've to regret THAT is the one that hurts me the most now. We aren't friends and I'm jealous of everyone else in your life because I'm outside that circle.


I am sorry for the unrealistic expectations I placed on you. I believed some of the things you said that may have been said innocently enough but I made those things mean more than a passing curiosity or whatever your intention had been. You asked me once if my family would like you with all your "flaws," if I'd consider more from us if things were "different." I let that mean that you were considering...even just for a little while...picking me, and, instead of letting go of that, I have been disappointed. I did not manage my expectations. This is not your fault, not at all. You only spoke words, I made those words mean more than just words.


I am sorry for clinging to you, to the past, to my pain. I am sorry for any discomfort you have felt because of my inability to let go, move on. A friend once said to me, "We do not mourn the end of a day, but look fondly on the rising of the sun tomorrow. Why mourn the loss of one relationship, one love, when there will be another...maybe tomorrow?" Not that it's an excuse, just to explain, I have had difficulty letting go because you are more of what I have wanted in a life partner, you are. I didn't know it at first but as I came to know you, I realized you embody nearly everything that is important to me on "my list." Letting go of that is not easy. It often feels like letting go of you is letting go of "The One" and no one can fault me for that fear. I am afraid that I've lost "The One" and there aren't any others out there.


I am sorry. I won't ask for your forgiveness. Too often people feel obligated to forgive when asked. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for my behavior, my childishness, my flaws and faults, my unrealistic expectations. You will always be a man I love...always.