I am often surprised by how affected I can be by some seemingly trifling thing. This isn't something about me that I like, in fact, I would love to be less affected, less emotional, less attached but I fear that being so would actually make me less of who I am. Lesa likes to remind me that I'm an "all in" type, meaning when I love, I love completely.
When I was younger I was less apt to feel all my feelings. It was easier and safer to bottle them up, store them on a shelf and let the dust collect. Eventually, though, there were more bottles on the shelf collecting dust than the shelf could handle and my internalized feelings became a liability to my existence.
Sorting through all those feelings wasn't a cake-walk, as you can well imagine. I had to deal with abandonment issues, living with alcoholics (sober and not so sober) and the murder of my grandfather. I didn't want to deal with these things but knew that, if I didn't, I'd suffer more and life would be less lovely.
My life is lovely and I agree with Lesa, I am "all in" when it comes to my feelings. This doesn't make me a "Twinkie" though...not in a negative, condescending way. I want to be that woman who feels her feelings and expresses them, shares them with others. I don't want that to change...
But being "all in" also means that occasionally someone's offhand comment does affect me and how I feel. I don't subscribe to the notion that another person causes me to be happy or sad or any other feeling. My feelings are my responsibility but sometimes I do let what others say contribute to how I feel. That is what I'd like to change without building up a wall so thick and tall that no one can scale it and I can't break it down.
So, how do I protect myself from these emotional darts (intentional and unintentional) that are flung my way? I don't like falling down especially when I started out feeling so good.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Challenge Day 27
A picture of me last year and now; and how have I changed since -
Before:
Three hundred sixty four/five days is a long time that can go by very quickly. In many ways I'm still the same. In other ways I've very different.
One year ago I was new to the DC Metro and still unemployed. I missed my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, and didn't know if I'd made the right choice in moving east. I was living out of a "suitcase" and in the extra bedroom of friends of my parents. I felt pretty low and depressed. At the time I was praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
Now, a year later, I am a new resident to DC. I miss my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, but I know that I made the right choice. I have my own place with a great view and an awesome commute. I'm employed and I'm starting to make friends. I had a boyfriend (which is no surprise to anyone reading this blog). I still feel pretty low and depressed and I'm back to praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
My goals for one year from now:
I have an action plan for these goals, starting with letting a bud of faith grow in my head and heart that I am deserving of these miracles in my life.
Before:
Now:
Three hundred sixty four/five days is a long time that can go by very quickly. In many ways I'm still the same. In other ways I've very different.
One year ago I was new to the DC Metro and still unemployed. I missed my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, and didn't know if I'd made the right choice in moving east. I was living out of a "suitcase" and in the extra bedroom of friends of my parents. I felt pretty low and depressed. At the time I was praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
Now, a year later, I am a new resident to DC. I miss my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, but I know that I made the right choice. I have my own place with a great view and an awesome commute. I'm employed and I'm starting to make friends. I had a boyfriend (which is no surprise to anyone reading this blog). I still feel pretty low and depressed and I'm back to praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
My goals for one year from now:
- A new job where I am valued for my contribution, treated with respect, and rewarded generously.
- A local group of supportive friends with whom I spend time, share my life and enjoy our time together.
- A long-term committed relationship with an amazing man who loves me and accepts me exactly as I am and who allows me to do the same for him.
I have an action plan for these goals, starting with letting a bud of faith grow in my head and heart that I am deserving of these miracles in my life.
Challenge Day 30
A photograph of myself today +
three things that have happened in the past 30 days -
1. I have survived two natural disasters. On August 23, 2011, a 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook DC (epicenter closer to Richmond VA) during the middle of our work day. Scared a lot of folks who'd never experienced such a thing and led several to believe another terrorist attack was underway. During the last weekend (August 27 - 28, 2011), the entire Eastern Seaboard was hit by Hurricane Irene. No damage to my place, no loss of electricity nor accumulation of water but it was the 'talk of the town.'
2. My ex and I broke up again but not before I begged him to pick me, to take the risk on us, on love, on happiness. Obviously his risk tolerance isn't capable of that choice and I don't fault him. Taking a chance on us would have been life-altering and there is no guarantee that the grass is greener. I have no idea if he misses me or still loves me and I may never find out. The loss of him in my life is more profound than I could have ever imagined.
3. My former roommate, Valerie Schoen, came to visit me and finally got to visit a couple of DC landmarks. I also took her out to Fabbioli Cellars, where I'm a club member. I love sharing Fabbioli with my friends. It's a great little place not too far into VA so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It was fabulous to have her here from a purely selfish perspective and I'm looking forward to having other friends and family come to visit me.
Me today:
Thank you for cheering me on during this 30-Day Challenge!
Love,
Bonnie
three things that have happened in the past 30 days -
1. I have survived two natural disasters. On August 23, 2011, a 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook DC (epicenter closer to Richmond VA) during the middle of our work day. Scared a lot of folks who'd never experienced such a thing and led several to believe another terrorist attack was underway. During the last weekend (August 27 - 28, 2011), the entire Eastern Seaboard was hit by Hurricane Irene. No damage to my place, no loss of electricity nor accumulation of water but it was the 'talk of the town.'
2. My ex and I broke up again but not before I begged him to pick me, to take the risk on us, on love, on happiness. Obviously his risk tolerance isn't capable of that choice and I don't fault him. Taking a chance on us would have been life-altering and there is no guarantee that the grass is greener. I have no idea if he misses me or still loves me and I may never find out. The loss of him in my life is more profound than I could have ever imagined.
3. My former roommate, Valerie Schoen, came to visit me and finally got to visit a couple of DC landmarks. I also took her out to Fabbioli Cellars, where I'm a club member. I love sharing Fabbioli with my friends. It's a great little place not too far into VA so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It was fabulous to have her here from a purely selfish perspective and I'm looking forward to having other friends and family come to visit me.
Me today:
Thank you for cheering me on during this 30-Day Challenge!
Love,
Bonnie
Enough
Pretty
Ambitious
Popular
Sexy
Petite
Sweet
Needy
Skinny
Good
Special
Funny
Athletic
Rich
Young
Independent
Talented
Maternal
Curvy
Generous
Edgy
Kind
Spiritual
Experienced
Loving
Open
Honest
Patient
Accepting
Perfect?
ENOUGH!
When is it...enough?
When am I...enough?
Why aren't I...enough?
Ambitious
Popular
Sexy
Petite
Sweet
Needy
Skinny
Good
Special
Funny
Athletic
Rich
Young
Independent
Talented
Maternal
Curvy
Generous
Edgy
Kind
Spiritual
Experienced
Loving
Open
Honest
Patient
Accepting
Perfect?
ENOUGH!
When is it...enough?
When am I...enough?
Why aren't I...enough?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Challenge Day 29
Something I could never get tired of doing -
That's great query. I believe that anything we do has the potential to lose it's luster and become torturous. It may take a lifetime for that to happen but I believe that it's a possibility.
What do I love to do? I love to read. I love to travel. I love to walk. I love to eat. I love to spend time with my family. I love to sleep. I love to have sex. I love to be creative and use my mind. I love to interact with others, entertain them when possible and learn from them always.
To pick the one thing I could never get tired of doing, ever, isn't easy. Making those kinds of choices pushes all my commitment-phobia buttons...what if I pick the wrong one? So I'll arbitrarily pick...
That's great query. I believe that anything we do has the potential to lose it's luster and become torturous. It may take a lifetime for that to happen but I believe that it's a possibility.
What do I love to do? I love to read. I love to travel. I love to walk. I love to eat. I love to spend time with my family. I love to sleep. I love to have sex. I love to be creative and use my mind. I love to interact with others, entertain them when possible and learn from them always.
To pick the one thing I could never get tired of doing, ever, isn't easy. Making those kinds of choices pushes all my commitment-phobia buttons...what if I pick the wrong one? So I'll arbitrarily pick...
Challenge Day 28
My favorite movie -
Easy, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I still remember sitting in the theater with Megan Baker waiting for the movie to start. The lights lowered. Our fingers were already sticky from the buttered popcorn. I remember the Paramount mountain fading into the opening scene.
Never had I been so enthralled by a movie. Everything about it was perfect to me. I loved how the movie makers guided me on an emotional journey where I experienced fear, excitement, resolve, horror and awe. I was awed.
I decided to study film direction in college because of that movie and even made a short movie my senior year of high school. Of course some stupid professor told our class that women rarely make it in film, especially as directors, unless they sleep their way to the top...yes, he did and, yes, at BYU. So I changed my major...not wanting to sleep my way to the top.
Nevertheless, Raiders has remained my favorite because of how I felt and how my life changed because of it. Thank you Steven Spielberg.
Easy, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I still remember sitting in the theater with Megan Baker waiting for the movie to start. The lights lowered. Our fingers were already sticky from the buttered popcorn. I remember the Paramount mountain fading into the opening scene.
Never had I been so enthralled by a movie. Everything about it was perfect to me. I loved how the movie makers guided me on an emotional journey where I experienced fear, excitement, resolve, horror and awe. I was awed.
I decided to study film direction in college because of that movie and even made a short movie my senior year of high school. Of course some stupid professor told our class that women rarely make it in film, especially as directors, unless they sleep their way to the top...yes, he did and, yes, at BYU. So I changed my major...not wanting to sleep my way to the top.
Nevertheless, Raiders has remained my favorite because of how I felt and how my life changed because of it. Thank you Steven Spielberg.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Challenge Day 26
A photo of somewhere I've been to -
Pick a place. That's more of a challenge than finding the photo itself. I've been to many places. Not as many as some people but I do admit that I've been very lucky to have seen some of the world. As you've learned in Day 23, I've lived in many places including France. I've vacationed to the Caribbean, to Mexico, to Canada, to France, to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef. I've even vacationed to many states (besides the 8 I've lived in, there are only a few I've never been to...AL, MS, OK, NE, KS, MO, IA, SD, NM, and VT).
So...how do I pick a single photo from a single place?
Impossible.
Pick a place. That's more of a challenge than finding the photo itself. I've been to many places. Not as many as some people but I do admit that I've been very lucky to have seen some of the world. As you've learned in Day 23, I've lived in many places including France. I've vacationed to the Caribbean, to Mexico, to Canada, to France, to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef. I've even vacationed to many states (besides the 8 I've lived in, there are only a few I've never been to...AL, MS, OK, NE, KS, MO, IA, SD, NM, and VT).
So...how do I pick a single photo from a single place?
Impossible.
Challenge Day 25
What's in my purse?
I'm not a purse-changer. You know that girl, the one who moves everything in her purse to another each day so that her bag matches what she's wearing. I've done it before and occasionally feel the need to make a switch but for the most part I keep using one for a few weeks or until I get impatient with it for some reason. Like the bag I'm using now.
I love this bag. It looks amazing.I get lots of compliments on it. It's made of a buttery leather in a butterscotch color, deep pockets and an inner zipper section. There's a place to put my cell phone and even my new point-and-click camera. Too often though I get impatient trying to pry something out of this bag or even find something in this bag, something I know must be inside.
Wallet
Camera
Personal cell & charger
Work cell
Glasses
Chewing gum
Lip gloss
Migraine medicine
iPod and headphones & charger cable
Smartrip card
Day planner
Now you know more about me than you did yesterday...maybe.
I'm not a purse-changer. You know that girl, the one who moves everything in her purse to another each day so that her bag matches what she's wearing. I've done it before and occasionally feel the need to make a switch but for the most part I keep using one for a few weeks or until I get impatient with it for some reason. Like the bag I'm using now.
I love this bag. It looks amazing.I get lots of compliments on it. It's made of a buttery leather in a butterscotch color, deep pockets and an inner zipper section. There's a place to put my cell phone and even my new point-and-click camera. Too often though I get impatient trying to pry something out of this bag or even find something in this bag, something I know must be inside.
Wallet
Camera
Personal cell & charger
Work cell
Glasses
Chewing gum
Lip gloss
Migraine medicine
iPod and headphones & charger cable
Smartrip card
Day planner
Now you know more about me than you did yesterday...maybe.
Challenge Day 24
A photo of something that means a lot to you -
I have been stumped by this challenge which should have been added a couple days ago and because I'm stumped I've neglected the challenge. I will keep ruminating on this, trying to pick something. I will update this post as soon as I've figure it out.
I have been stumped by this challenge which should have been added a couple days ago and because I'm stumped I've neglected the challenge. I will keep ruminating on this, trying to pick something. I will update this post as soon as I've figure it out.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Unconditional
Literally "without conditions," no strings, no expectations for change, nothing. To be loved and accepted 100 percent "as is."
How do I love you? Do I want you to be any different than the person you are at this moment? Do I expect you to "live up to your potential" meaning what I believe your potential might be? Do I wish that something was different? Do I accept you exactly how you are, 100 percent, right now with all your imperfections? Are you perfect in my eyes?
The first person I loved unconditionally was my youngest sister, Dianna. I was twelve when we "met" and family life was so topsy-turvy, chaotic, she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Not the first sibling I came to know but the first I remember understanding what was happening outside of my tight little sphere. Sure, I would get upset with her, she's a little sister after all, and siblings by definition tend to be at odds over something or other but in my eyes she is perfect just as she is.
Luckily loving Dianna unconditionally was more like a gateway to experiencing those same feelings for my other siblings and while I still hope they never experience disappointment, are never hurt, have all their dreams come true and live happily ever after, I love them each "as is."
Most people look at another and think about what they can get from them. "I'll be friends with so-and-so because they're popular and I want to be popular too" or some other messed up rationale. Networking isn't something we should do for friends and lovers. Most people mistrust networkers anyway.
My sister-friends are women I grew to love. I met Christy during an interview and after 15 minutes in-person and a few long distance phone calls, I knew that I would be a better person with her in my life. I met Lesa at book club and while we seemed to have little in common, I was drawn to her strength and her optimism. Luckily for me she was persistent but it didn't take long to realize that without her I would stumble. I met Kay through her sister who arranged a "play date" for us. First movies and a quick bite to eat then so many other shared interests and a similar life journey. All these led to this place where we are now, caring about each other and our lives.
The experience of loving a man, a romantic partner, unconditionally did not come as easily as loving my youngest sister or my sister-friends. This unconditional love didn't happen in one fell-swoop nor did it happen without pain and suffering. I had many unrealistic expectations (a sure killer of unconditional love as expectations are the opposite of unconditional) and ended up shedding gallons of tears in the process. Yet, eventually, once forgiveness for perceived wrongs and management of expectations, I grew to love Jeff without any strings. Our friendship strengthened and I let myself love him without expectation, without condition, without needing anything back from him, not even love. By loving him in this way, he began to love me, to accept me as I am and finally our relationship moved to a place where I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally and feel love from him, knowing that no matter what I choose or do or become, he will always love me and accept me.
But, you. I didnt' look at you and think, "What can I get out of him?" I let you show me who you are and then I trusted you. Yes, that was very scary for me but that's another blog subject. I started loving you as we spent time together. I started to see you. You made it easy to love you and, even though I struggled at first, easy to be loved by you.
I can't remember the first moment I looked up, saw you smiling at me and realized that I love you as you are. Those moments happened all the time, making me smile and glow. I love you, the "you" you are now, the person who has experienced everything up to this point. I don't want you to change who you are. I love who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. Nope, I don't want any part of you to change. That doesn't mean that I wish things weren't different, I do, but not if "different" means you are different. You are extraordinary in all ways and I love you forever.
This is the sort of love I require from my partner and I realize that unconditional love takes time and effort. I know that unconditional love means letting the other person be exactly who they are, wanting nothing changed or in return for giving the gift of love and acceptance. I don't love and accept in hope of receiving love and acceptance back from him. If he chooses to love me, to accept me as I am, I am grateful but that doesn't not impede my accepting him or giving love to him. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to love differently.
How do I love you? Do I want you to be any different than the person you are at this moment? Do I expect you to "live up to your potential" meaning what I believe your potential might be? Do I wish that something was different? Do I accept you exactly how you are, 100 percent, right now with all your imperfections? Are you perfect in my eyes?
The first person I loved unconditionally was my youngest sister, Dianna. I was twelve when we "met" and family life was so topsy-turvy, chaotic, she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Not the first sibling I came to know but the first I remember understanding what was happening outside of my tight little sphere. Sure, I would get upset with her, she's a little sister after all, and siblings by definition tend to be at odds over something or other but in my eyes she is perfect just as she is.
Luckily loving Dianna unconditionally was more like a gateway to experiencing those same feelings for my other siblings and while I still hope they never experience disappointment, are never hurt, have all their dreams come true and live happily ever after, I love them each "as is."
Most people look at another and think about what they can get from them. "I'll be friends with so-and-so because they're popular and I want to be popular too" or some other messed up rationale. Networking isn't something we should do for friends and lovers. Most people mistrust networkers anyway.
My sister-friends are women I grew to love. I met Christy during an interview and after 15 minutes in-person and a few long distance phone calls, I knew that I would be a better person with her in my life. I met Lesa at book club and while we seemed to have little in common, I was drawn to her strength and her optimism. Luckily for me she was persistent but it didn't take long to realize that without her I would stumble. I met Kay through her sister who arranged a "play date" for us. First movies and a quick bite to eat then so many other shared interests and a similar life journey. All these led to this place where we are now, caring about each other and our lives.
The experience of loving a man, a romantic partner, unconditionally did not come as easily as loving my youngest sister or my sister-friends. This unconditional love didn't happen in one fell-swoop nor did it happen without pain and suffering. I had many unrealistic expectations (a sure killer of unconditional love as expectations are the opposite of unconditional) and ended up shedding gallons of tears in the process. Yet, eventually, once forgiveness for perceived wrongs and management of expectations, I grew to love Jeff without any strings. Our friendship strengthened and I let myself love him without expectation, without condition, without needing anything back from him, not even love. By loving him in this way, he began to love me, to accept me as I am and finally our relationship moved to a place where I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally and feel love from him, knowing that no matter what I choose or do or become, he will always love me and accept me.
But, you. I didnt' look at you and think, "What can I get out of him?" I let you show me who you are and then I trusted you. Yes, that was very scary for me but that's another blog subject. I started loving you as we spent time together. I started to see you. You made it easy to love you and, even though I struggled at first, easy to be loved by you.
I can't remember the first moment I looked up, saw you smiling at me and realized that I love you as you are. Those moments happened all the time, making me smile and glow. I love you, the "you" you are now, the person who has experienced everything up to this point. I don't want you to change who you are. I love who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. Nope, I don't want any part of you to change. That doesn't mean that I wish things weren't different, I do, but not if "different" means you are different. You are extraordinary in all ways and I love you forever.
This is the sort of love I require from my partner and I realize that unconditional love takes time and effort. I know that unconditional love means letting the other person be exactly who they are, wanting nothing changed or in return for giving the gift of love and acceptance. I don't love and accept in hope of receiving love and acceptance back from him. If he chooses to love me, to accept me as I am, I am grateful but that doesn't not impede my accepting him or giving love to him. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to love differently.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Purpose
What is the point? Why am I here, on earth? I'm not suicidal, I'm just asking the question. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I care about what I care about? What IS the point?
I make sacrifices for work, sacrifices of my time and energy. I use my skills, abilities and knowledge. Why? In the grand scheme of things, how is what I am doing making any kind of difference to the world or to others or to me?
I earn money to buy things like food, clothing, shelter. So the point of work is to make money to buy necessities. Won't any work do? Why does it have to be what I do? But "necessity" implies basic. What's the point in spice then? Food is necessity and basically carbon. Why can't one food provide all I need to live instead of using all these different foods, spices, etc? Do animals require variety? Does my cat, Rascal, crave Italian sausage with peppers and onions?
Companionship. Why do I hate being alone but find myself without a significant other? Why do I constantly ask God where my Last First Kiss is hiding himself? Does this Last First Kiss actually exist? Maybe not since he's not in my life. What's the point of wanting to be with someone if no one is with me? Seems a little masochistic, don't you think?
They say (whoever "they" are) that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I must be insane...by now. I keep working hoping I'm making a difference. I keep eating hoping to keep living. I keep wanting to be part of a couple. Is my work making a difference? Am I living well? What good is hope when I'm still alone and lonely?
What is the real purpose of my life? Am I just taking up space? Going through some predestined motions? Biding my time till I die? I honestly don't get the point. Being here on earth makes absolutely no logical sense to me. I'm not going to jump ship, so don't call 9-1-1. I'm just curious to know what I'm supposed to be doing with this life I have.
What IS the point?
I make sacrifices for work, sacrifices of my time and energy. I use my skills, abilities and knowledge. Why? In the grand scheme of things, how is what I am doing making any kind of difference to the world or to others or to me?
I earn money to buy things like food, clothing, shelter. So the point of work is to make money to buy necessities. Won't any work do? Why does it have to be what I do? But "necessity" implies basic. What's the point in spice then? Food is necessity and basically carbon. Why can't one food provide all I need to live instead of using all these different foods, spices, etc? Do animals require variety? Does my cat, Rascal, crave Italian sausage with peppers and onions?
Companionship. Why do I hate being alone but find myself without a significant other? Why do I constantly ask God where my Last First Kiss is hiding himself? Does this Last First Kiss actually exist? Maybe not since he's not in my life. What's the point of wanting to be with someone if no one is with me? Seems a little masochistic, don't you think?
They say (whoever "they" are) that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I must be insane...by now. I keep working hoping I'm making a difference. I keep eating hoping to keep living. I keep wanting to be part of a couple. Is my work making a difference? Am I living well? What good is hope when I'm still alone and lonely?
What is the real purpose of my life? Am I just taking up space? Going through some predestined motions? Biding my time till I die? I honestly don't get the point. Being here on earth makes absolutely no logical sense to me. I'm not going to jump ship, so don't call 9-1-1. I'm just curious to know what I'm supposed to be doing with this life I have.
What IS the point?
Challenge Day 23
Fifteen facts about me -
In no particular order...
In no particular order...
- I have lived in 8 states (NY, NJ, FL, UT, MT, WA, MN, VA), 1 "District" (DC) and 1 foreign country (France).
- I am the only one of my 6 siblings with no biological children.
- I have had the same cell phone number since 1999.
- My first kiss was Patrick Dempsey but I'm sure he doesn't remember me.
- I used to collect shopping bags from all over the world.
- My dream car is a Corvette (ask me some time about what bells & whistles I want).
- I've seen my favorite band, in concert, 8 times--six in an 18-month period in different states (CA, MA, AZ, WA, UT, NY).
- My favorite color to look at is yellow, like the sun; my favorite color to wear is pink.
- I am more shy than I let on.
- I have had a crush on Alexander Hamilton (yes, I know, he's dead) since 6th grade.
- I hate having my picture taken.
- My maternal grandfather was murdered in 1985.
- I got my driver's license when I was 24 years-old.
- I have snowboarded in WA, UT and AK.
- I had difficulty coming up with 14 facts about me, especially facts most people don't know.
Challenge Day 22
A letter to someone who has hurt me recently -
I don't believe that people hurt me, not the way this challenge means. Yes, I can be physically assaulted but my feelings are not "hurt" by others. My response to other people leads to hurt feelings. Others cannot harm my feelings. Have I responded in such a way that led to hurt feelings in the last weeks? Definitely but I will not place blame on others for that response. So, how about this...
My dearest friend,
You cannot hurt me. I will not allow it and it's not your nature. Oh you may want to lash out and target me for whatever reason but how you are to me or what you say to me or others about me cannot really hurt me. My response to your actions, your words, even your thoughts are my responses and I have stewardship over them, not you.
I have not intentionally hurt you but if your feelings hurt because of my actions, I am sorry for it. I wish that you would understand and forgive whatever you believe of me. I did not lie to you or exclude you or think any less of you. I did not mean to offend, step over whatever line, led to you believing that I was your enemy, even for a short time.
Yes, my feelings have suffered but not because of you even though your intention may have been otherwise. My feelings suffered because I had expectations about my life that were not met by others, by me, by life, by you, and those disappointments injured my heart. I didn't manage my expectations and I suffered.
I am not angry. That is a waste of energy and emotion. I feel disappointment. I feel loss. I feel threatened. I feel alone and lonely. These are my feelings and you did not cause them. I chose them and it's time for me to choose others.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow and be the person I always wanted to be, to be me.
Always,
Bonnie
FINE PRINT: This "letter" isn't intended for one person so please don't read it and think "She is writing to me" because I'm probably not. If it really bothers you, just ask me. I will tell you what parts are for you, if any.
I don't believe that people hurt me, not the way this challenge means. Yes, I can be physically assaulted but my feelings are not "hurt" by others. My response to other people leads to hurt feelings. Others cannot harm my feelings. Have I responded in such a way that led to hurt feelings in the last weeks? Definitely but I will not place blame on others for that response. So, how about this...
My dearest friend,
You cannot hurt me. I will not allow it and it's not your nature. Oh you may want to lash out and target me for whatever reason but how you are to me or what you say to me or others about me cannot really hurt me. My response to your actions, your words, even your thoughts are my responses and I have stewardship over them, not you.
I have not intentionally hurt you but if your feelings hurt because of my actions, I am sorry for it. I wish that you would understand and forgive whatever you believe of me. I did not lie to you or exclude you or think any less of you. I did not mean to offend, step over whatever line, led to you believing that I was your enemy, even for a short time.
Yes, my feelings have suffered but not because of you even though your intention may have been otherwise. My feelings suffered because I had expectations about my life that were not met by others, by me, by life, by you, and those disappointments injured my heart. I didn't manage my expectations and I suffered.
I am not angry. That is a waste of energy and emotion. I feel disappointment. I feel loss. I feel threatened. I feel alone and lonely. These are my feelings and you did not cause them. I chose them and it's time for me to choose others.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow and be the person I always wanted to be, to be me.
Always,
Bonnie
FINE PRINT: This "letter" isn't intended for one person so please don't read it and think "She is writing to me" because I'm probably not. If it really bothers you, just ask me. I will tell you what parts are for you, if any.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Challenge Day 21
A photo of something that makes me happy -
Shall I post a picture of my family? How about my friends? What about a photo of Paris or New York City? Music makes me happy and so does food--I could post a picture of one of those things. I could download a picture of something special I guess but does that miss the point of the challenge?
I will have to think about this a little while longer.
Shall I post a picture of my family? How about my friends? What about a photo of Paris or New York City? Music makes me happy and so does food--I could post a picture of one of those things. I could download a picture of something special I guess but does that miss the point of the challenge?
I will have to think about this a little while longer.
Challenge Day 20
The meaning behind my blog name -
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Challenge Day 19
Another picture of myself -
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Withdraw
Regret is a terrible emotion, a terrible place to be. When I make a choice to do something or say something, I am not thinking "I sure hope this makes my life more difficult" or "I hope that once I say this I'll feel badly about myself." Unfortunately I do say things or do things that I wish I could take back. I would love a rewind button. I'd go back and withdraw whatever it is that I did or said that has brought me to the place where I start to think about regret...
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Challenge Day 18
Something I crave a lot -
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Challenge Day 17
A photo of me and my family -
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
Since that picture it's been tougher to get us all in one place, sitting still and my sisters tend to be pregnant so the family isn't done growing...here's an update from 2008 and, yes, Brenda is pregnant with another set of twins:
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Look at that platinum hair! I loved that hair. Mikal, my sister's eldest, is always goofing off--that's her with the tongue out. Luckily everyone else is behaving slightly more appropriately though this is one millisecond in time so it's quite an achievement to catch on film.
They may be crazy but they're mine and I love them!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Release
i want to let you go i want to move on feel free of you of your love of all the memories of the ghost of you in my life i want you back i want to be released i want something i cannot put a finger on or describe adequately i want to stop thinking feeling being hurt lost down blue green jealous anxious i want to be free like you are free like you seem free of it all i want to erase all memory of you i want to erase all hope for the happiness we could have should have would have had if everything were different i am tired of being that girl the one he wishes he met before before them before her before this before that before what you didn't you met me now and now it's time to choose oh you did you chose but not me i should be grateful right but i'm not i can't think of any reason to be glad only all the reasons why i asked you to pick me and i see all your reasons for not picking me because i'm not dumb or blind or whatever you must believe about me i see hard times ahead for me for you for everyone i see recovery and release but i also see time and distance i am looking for changes to make so that i am not reminded every day of you of what i lost yes i feel like there was a competition and i could have won but i didn't i lost i want to limit the number of times i'm reminded of you of us of love of happy of smiling of laughing of looking at you and seeing what i have wanted but what i cannot have what someone else gets i hope she loves you that she never once looks at you and thinks she could have done better or wishes you were different that she never takes who you are for granted i want to be released of all this of this conversation in my head this constant nagging feeling that i will never be the same again and that without you i will struggle to survive my life because with you i would have overcome mountainous obstacles i would have become an amazing woman and partner i would have learned to really love forever i would have known what being accepted as is one hundred percent please let me go so i can let you go i don't want to let you go i don't want you to let me go i don't want our link broken i am not the best i can be without you in my life but i need release i need new memories i need love and acceptance i need you i need you in my life to love me to protect me to take care of me and i need to love you and protect you and take care of you but i know that is just me hoping dreaming wanting more than is possible from life from you from this when will we be okay happy free whole is it a choice i make to suffer to continue or is something really wrong with the way things are right now i don't want you to suffer and being with me means you will suffer i cannot ask that of you because i do i do love you and i do want you to be happy i want to be happy too not being with you means i suffer i want to be happy i want to be loved i want to be accepted i want to be released released from pain
Challenge Day 16
My celebrity crush -
Actually I have a couple of these...and if I were to award each a "top prize" they would win the following:
Longest at the Top: Nigel John Taylor
Man I'd Leave YOU For: Michael Jordan
One I Got Closest To: Aaron Voros
Common theme? Gorgeous!
Love you guys!
Actually I have a couple of these...and if I were to award each a "top prize" they would win the following:
Longest at the Top: Nigel John Taylor
Man I'd Leave YOU For: Michael Jordan
One I Got Closest To: Aaron Voros
Common theme? Gorgeous!
Love you guys!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Nightmare
I've been plagued by a recurring nightmare since I broke up with my boyfriend. One of those dreams that wakes me up and because I'm so upset I find it nearly impossible to go back to sleep. In fact, I just got out of bed Friday morning (2:30 AM) and worked because it was better than trying to relax and talk myself out of freaking out.
In the dream I know someone is in my living room, just sitting there. I don't know how he got in and I don't know why. I don't feel safe though I don't feel like he's going to attack me or hurt me but he IS in my house and I'm asleep. In the dream I know he is a neighbor but when I'm awake I know I've never seen this person before and definitely not in my apartment building.
When I am finally able to wake myself up and listen in the dark, I can tell that no one is here (I've gotten up and checked many times), I lie in bed crying because I'm alone in my bed, alone and scared, and I want my boyfriend back...I want him to be sleeping next to me so I can roll over and be held, protected, safe. The tears end up coming faster and harder missing him in my bed, in my life!
Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? If my subconscious is trying to tell me that I felt safe and protected as part of a couple then it can stop that dream because I know that about me, about that relationship. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something else then it might want to try another dream because this one only makes me miss him and all we won't have together.
In the dream I know someone is in my living room, just sitting there. I don't know how he got in and I don't know why. I don't feel safe though I don't feel like he's going to attack me or hurt me but he IS in my house and I'm asleep. In the dream I know he is a neighbor but when I'm awake I know I've never seen this person before and definitely not in my apartment building.
When I am finally able to wake myself up and listen in the dark, I can tell that no one is here (I've gotten up and checked many times), I lie in bed crying because I'm alone in my bed, alone and scared, and I want my boyfriend back...I want him to be sleeping next to me so I can roll over and be held, protected, safe. The tears end up coming faster and harder missing him in my bed, in my life!
Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? If my subconscious is trying to tell me that I felt safe and protected as part of a couple then it can stop that dream because I know that about me, about that relationship. If my subconscious is trying to tell me something else then it might want to try another dream because this one only makes me miss him and all we won't have together.
Challenge Day 15
Something I don't leave the house without -
I rarely leave my apartment without my cell phone. Surprised? No, of course not. Most people in 2011 don't leave their cell phones anywhere, there's too much information on a cell phone that we might need and they're not just for calling people anymore. I can update Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn; I can look for things to do, make an OpenTable reservation, find my mother's mailing address; I can listen to music, watch TV and flip through my photo album; I check the weather, check in with friends, check my bank account balance. My cell phone is my link to the world.
Now if I could only get my phone to tell me it loves me, wash the dishes and fold the laundry...then it would be PERFECT!
I rarely leave my apartment without my cell phone. Surprised? No, of course not. Most people in 2011 don't leave their cell phones anywhere, there's too much information on a cell phone that we might need and they're not just for calling people anymore. I can update Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn; I can look for things to do, make an OpenTable reservation, find my mother's mailing address; I can listen to music, watch TV and flip through my photo album; I check the weather, check in with friends, check my bank account balance. My cell phone is my link to the world.
Now if I could only get my phone to tell me it loves me, wash the dishes and fold the laundry...then it would be PERFECT!
Challenge Day 14
A TV show I'm currently addicted to -
I don't have cable TV. I pay for the internet and to stream TV/movies from Netflix and Hulu. The show that I currently LOVE watching is exclusively on Hulu.com: The Misfits.
I am current on all the episodes released on Hulu and last night found myself wishing it was Monday so I could watch the next installment. Now that's addicted! I will also admit that I love ABC's Castle so when it's back, I'll probably be stuck on the two.
I hate being attached to a TV program. Too often too few of us like the show so it ends up getting cancelled then I have to find another program to enjoy and I have very specific tastes in TV programs. I want the quirky comedy-drama with superb acting and excellent writing. I have no patience for reality TV (I have quite enough cut-throat reality BS in my life already to invite more in through the "idiot box"). I love watching sports and hate the weeks between the end of hockey and the start of the Tour de France and then from the Tour till when football starts. Of course I won't get to watch football this year because I won't pay for online access.
How much longer till The Misfits?
I don't have cable TV. I pay for the internet and to stream TV/movies from Netflix and Hulu. The show that I currently LOVE watching is exclusively on Hulu.com: The Misfits.
I am current on all the episodes released on Hulu and last night found myself wishing it was Monday so I could watch the next installment. Now that's addicted! I will also admit that I love ABC's Castle so when it's back, I'll probably be stuck on the two.
I hate being attached to a TV program. Too often too few of us like the show so it ends up getting cancelled then I have to find another program to enjoy and I have very specific tastes in TV programs. I want the quirky comedy-drama with superb acting and excellent writing. I have no patience for reality TV (I have quite enough cut-throat reality BS in my life already to invite more in through the "idiot box"). I love watching sports and hate the weeks between the end of hockey and the start of the Tour de France and then from the Tour till when football starts. Of course I won't get to watch football this year because I won't pay for online access.
How much longer till The Misfits?
Challenge Day 13
My favorite musician and why -
Hmmmm..."musician" implies one person but I don't have a one-person-favorite when it comes to music. I can't remember a time when I wasn't listening to music, playing records, searching for that AM station hidden between the all-talk radio as a kid on my mother's (now) antique radio and record player console...I think I took that thing apart and put it back together so many times I could have been an electrical engineer! One of my first memories of me and my father is being in the Ryder truck with him as we moved from NYC to Monroe Township NJ, listening to the radio and singing all the words to American Pie...I was 5.
When we moved to Florida and I felt so alone and miserable I begged my mother to let me listen to her records. I played Ricky Nelson, the Beatles, Elvis and even Frank Sinatra over and over and over again. I still remember most of the words and find myself recognizing elevator music, singing along and tapping my foot. Yep, I'm that weird lady.
Since 1983 one band has remained at the top. I've only spent more money on my education and my family than I have on paraphernalia, concerts and the music of Duran Duran. Why? At first the music was fun, catchy 80s songs, easy to love "top 40" style but eventually I grew to love the songs not played on the radio - Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me), Silent Icy River, Khanada, Hold Back the Rain (FAVORITE), Careless Memories. Of course, they are beautiful to look at as well, and that always helps! NOTE TO MEN: There are LOTS of nearly naked girls in their videos so even you can appreciate Duran Duran. Plus they are a great LIVE band...even today!
So, go ahead, make fun if you want. I am what I am - a child of the 80s with no shame of loving Duran Duran!
Hmmmm..."musician" implies one person but I don't have a one-person-favorite when it comes to music. I can't remember a time when I wasn't listening to music, playing records, searching for that AM station hidden between the all-talk radio as a kid on my mother's (now) antique radio and record player console...I think I took that thing apart and put it back together so many times I could have been an electrical engineer! One of my first memories of me and my father is being in the Ryder truck with him as we moved from NYC to Monroe Township NJ, listening to the radio and singing all the words to American Pie...I was 5.
When we moved to Florida and I felt so alone and miserable I begged my mother to let me listen to her records. I played Ricky Nelson, the Beatles, Elvis and even Frank Sinatra over and over and over again. I still remember most of the words and find myself recognizing elevator music, singing along and tapping my foot. Yep, I'm that weird lady.
Since 1983 one band has remained at the top. I've only spent more money on my education and my family than I have on paraphernalia, concerts and the music of Duran Duran. Why? At first the music was fun, catchy 80s songs, easy to love "top 40" style but eventually I grew to love the songs not played on the radio - Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me), Silent Icy River, Khanada, Hold Back the Rain (FAVORITE), Careless Memories. Of course, they are beautiful to look at as well, and that always helps! NOTE TO MEN: There are LOTS of nearly naked girls in their videos so even you can appreciate Duran Duran. Plus they are a great LIVE band...even today!
So, go ahead, make fun if you want. I am what I am - a child of the 80s with no shame of loving Duran Duran!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Compartmentalize
Compartmentalizing is the act of splitting an idea or concept up into (sometimes more or less arbitrary) parts, and trying to enforce thought processes which are inhibiting attempts to allow these parts to mix together again. This process is performed in an attempt to simplify things, and to defend against anxiety.
Compartment #1 - Work
This is where I drown in my workload and spend countless hours feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. I feel victimized, targeted by unhappy co-workers who have never learned or refuse to consider that to build employees up results in greater productivity than beating them down. I squander more than the usual 8 hours per day trying to get through my "to do" list and accomplish my tasks all in an effort to have "Operations Manager" on my resume. I commiserate with others in a futile attempt to share misery. This cannot continue much longer.
Compartment #2 - The Archives
Unfortunately I have yet to spend a single hour as an actual volunteer at the National Archives and this makes me sad. Right now in my life, it feels like Compartment #1 is taking over all the other Compartments and I know that a few hours each week inside Compartment #2 could go far for my stress levels.
Compartment #3 - Home / Morning
My morning routine is shot. Compartment #1 and Compartment #5 (yes, we'll get to it) have derailed me. I don't like mornings and I try to be civil, smile, be kind but without some coffee and a few minutes for myself to do some yoga stretches, I'm basically an ogre only meaner. Usually during this time I get to feel like the woman I want to be...not the woman I tend to be.
Compartment #4 - Home / Evening
Lately my evenings are spent staring at a screen, either my laptop or my television screen. I don't like it but Compartment #1 is driving me to drink or at least not care which may be the same thing. I would rather spend this time outside or with friends or doing a project (and I've got several to pick from). I hate that my life is being inundated by Compartment #1, that I have little energy or emotional bandwidth to do much else.
Compartment #5 - Boyfriend / Lover
I have created a box for my feelings to live in and now I need to stash them there...at least for the time being. There was a time when YOU helped me cope with Compartment #1 but you aren't able to do that for me anymore. There was a time when you were a very important part of Compartment #3. I tend to think about YOU a lot and that's distracting. I imagine all sorts of scenarios happening in YOUR life, a few of them feature me though most don't. At this moment in time I cannot imagine another man in my life who will be enough for me.
So those are the Compartments of my life, the buckets where I try (often with little success) to file my minutes/days/months so that I can deal with it all. I wish there was a better way to handle the situations but I've hope for the future, hope that someday soon I won't have to divide up my life into segments that I can manage. I wonder what it'll be like to have all these compartments run together.
Compartment #1 - Work
This is where I drown in my workload and spend countless hours feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated. I feel victimized, targeted by unhappy co-workers who have never learned or refuse to consider that to build employees up results in greater productivity than beating them down. I squander more than the usual 8 hours per day trying to get through my "to do" list and accomplish my tasks all in an effort to have "Operations Manager" on my resume. I commiserate with others in a futile attempt to share misery. This cannot continue much longer.
Compartment #2 - The Archives
Unfortunately I have yet to spend a single hour as an actual volunteer at the National Archives and this makes me sad. Right now in my life, it feels like Compartment #1 is taking over all the other Compartments and I know that a few hours each week inside Compartment #2 could go far for my stress levels.
Compartment #3 - Home / Morning
My morning routine is shot. Compartment #1 and Compartment #5 (yes, we'll get to it) have derailed me. I don't like mornings and I try to be civil, smile, be kind but without some coffee and a few minutes for myself to do some yoga stretches, I'm basically an ogre only meaner. Usually during this time I get to feel like the woman I want to be...not the woman I tend to be.
Compartment #4 - Home / Evening
Lately my evenings are spent staring at a screen, either my laptop or my television screen. I don't like it but Compartment #1 is driving me to drink or at least not care which may be the same thing. I would rather spend this time outside or with friends or doing a project (and I've got several to pick from). I hate that my life is being inundated by Compartment #1, that I have little energy or emotional bandwidth to do much else.
Compartment #5 - Boyfriend / Lover
I have created a box for my feelings to live in and now I need to stash them there...at least for the time being. There was a time when YOU helped me cope with Compartment #1 but you aren't able to do that for me anymore. There was a time when you were a very important part of Compartment #3. I tend to think about YOU a lot and that's distracting. I imagine all sorts of scenarios happening in YOUR life, a few of them feature me though most don't. At this moment in time I cannot imagine another man in my life who will be enough for me.
So those are the Compartments of my life, the buckets where I try (often with little success) to file my minutes/days/months so that I can deal with it all. I wish there was a better way to handle the situations but I've hope for the future, hope that someday soon I won't have to divide up my life into segments that I can manage. I wonder what it'll be like to have all these compartments run together.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Challenge Day 12
A photograph of the town I live in -
I live in one of the most photographed cities in the world but wait till you see the view from my windows...
That's the Scottish Rite of Freemanary's House of the Temple in the foreground. Need an easier explanation, check out this Wikipedia piece.
Yes, that's the Washington Monument in the background, about 1.5 miles away from me; and between me and it is the White House (which you cannot see because of all the other buildings too).
Pretty cool, huh!?
I live in one of the most photographed cities in the world but wait till you see the view from my windows...
That's the Scottish Rite of Freemanary's House of the Temple in the foreground. Need an easier explanation, check out this Wikipedia piece.
Yes, that's the Washington Monument in the background, about 1.5 miles away from me; and between me and it is the White House (which you cannot see because of all the other buildings too).
Pretty cool, huh!?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Challenge Day 11
What's in my make-up bag -
Simple answer: make-up
Less simple answer: liquid foundation, several brushes, powder, primer, mascara
Occasionally I've included travel-size eye shadow compacts and blusher but that doesn't happen as often these days...not as much travel or overnight trips plus I'm no longer living out of a suitcase.
Unfortunately my "make-up bag" contents listed above doesn't include all the make-up collections and storage I have...I honestly believe that aside from mascara and the occasional liquid foundation, I may not need new make-up for years!
Simple answer: make-up
Less simple answer: liquid foundation, several brushes, powder, primer, mascara
Occasionally I've included travel-size eye shadow compacts and blusher but that doesn't happen as often these days...not as much travel or overnight trips plus I'm no longer living out of a suitcase.
Unfortunately my "make-up bag" contents listed above doesn't include all the make-up collections and storage I have...I honestly believe that aside from mascara and the occasional liquid foundation, I may not need new make-up for years!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Challenge Day 10
A photo of my favorite place to eat -
Today's challenge is EASY!
Today's challenge is EASY!
So the next time you're in the Twin Cities and need a great place to eat (and drink...or drink), pick Barrio!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Challenge Day 9
A photo of the last item I purchased -
At first I couldn't remember what the last item I purchased was and I reminded myself that I'm following a modified version of The Compact (modified by me because, while I am all for saving the planet, I would rather concentrate on being fiscally-responsible too). Yet, sitting behind me in my apartment are a few new pieces of furniture (a storage ottoman and bookshelves) and mid-month I'll be investing in a sofa so that guests aren't relegated to sitting on the harem-like cushions on the floor in the living room or my bed while visiting me.
Yes, I have beautiful hard-wood floors!
At first I couldn't remember what the last item I purchased was and I reminded myself that I'm following a modified version of The Compact (modified by me because, while I am all for saving the planet, I would rather concentrate on being fiscally-responsible too). Yet, sitting behind me in my apartment are a few new pieces of furniture (a storage ottoman and bookshelves) and mid-month I'll be investing in a sofa so that guests aren't relegated to sitting on the harem-like cushions on the floor in the living room or my bed while visiting me.
Yes, I have beautiful hard-wood floors!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Challenge Day 8
A song to match my mood -
Music; definitely something I love and usually it's a piece of cake to find a song that matches my mood but it's early on a Saturday and I need to be working, at least for a little while, before I go outside to play with friends (right, Mom?).
Plus, am I supposed to list a song for every mood I experience throughout the day, or just how I feel right now? I might go through a dozen moods before the day ends. And there are so many songs, old and new, to choose from, how do I pick one?
Seems like my mood is indecisive...
But this one will do: http://youtu.be/I7HahVwYpwo
Music; definitely something I love and usually it's a piece of cake to find a song that matches my mood but it's early on a Saturday and I need to be working, at least for a little while, before I go outside to play with friends (right, Mom?).
Plus, am I supposed to list a song for every mood I experience throughout the day, or just how I feel right now? I might go through a dozen moods before the day ends. And there are so many songs, old and new, to choose from, how do I pick one?
Seems like my mood is indecisive...
But this one will do: http://youtu.be/I7HahVwYpwo
Friday, August 5, 2011
Challenge Day 7
My dream wedding -
Growing up, like many little girls, I dreamed about getting married some day. As a Mormon, I'd wanted to get married to a return missionary in the temple for time and all eternity--and I believed that was possible too. As I grew and lived my life I became less comfortable with the "time and all eternity" part and my dream wedding changed too. I have been married and, while it wasn't my "dream" wedding, I did expect to be married for the rest of my life. I was disappointed that my marriage didn't "work" as I'd plan though I don't regret that time of my life.
Now, I don't dream about getting married as much as I dream about finding my Last First Kiss...that man I share a first kiss with for the last time in my life. Sure, a part of me thinks about what it would feel like to trust him so much that I'd consider marrying him, signing the papers and making it official. I also wonder if I've already found him but don't know it but that's a separate conversation.
The challenge is to describe my "dream wedding" though, not talk about why I don't want to get married again. So...what's my "dream wedding?"
Like my "perfect first date," my dream wedding starts with the right guy and because I want our wedding to be something we both love, MY dream wedding includes his wants and likes. A wedding on the beach with my friends and family sounds great but so does standing in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. More than anything I want to be with my man and with my family. If his family is as important to him as mine is to me, then I want his family with us too.
I do have a message for my Last First Kiss: I love you.
Growing up, like many little girls, I dreamed about getting married some day. As a Mormon, I'd wanted to get married to a return missionary in the temple for time and all eternity--and I believed that was possible too. As I grew and lived my life I became less comfortable with the "time and all eternity" part and my dream wedding changed too. I have been married and, while it wasn't my "dream" wedding, I did expect to be married for the rest of my life. I was disappointed that my marriage didn't "work" as I'd plan though I don't regret that time of my life.
Now, I don't dream about getting married as much as I dream about finding my Last First Kiss...that man I share a first kiss with for the last time in my life. Sure, a part of me thinks about what it would feel like to trust him so much that I'd consider marrying him, signing the papers and making it official. I also wonder if I've already found him but don't know it but that's a separate conversation.
The challenge is to describe my "dream wedding" though, not talk about why I don't want to get married again. So...what's my "dream wedding?"
Like my "perfect first date," my dream wedding starts with the right guy and because I want our wedding to be something we both love, MY dream wedding includes his wants and likes. A wedding on the beach with my friends and family sounds great but so does standing in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. More than anything I want to be with my man and with my family. If his family is as important to him as mine is to me, then I want his family with us too.
I do have a message for my Last First Kiss: I love you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Challenge Day 5
A picture of me from 2 years ago -
I rarely love photos of me but this one isn't so terrible albeit blurry...you get the idea, right?
I rarely love photos of me but this one isn't so terrible albeit blurry...you get the idea, right?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Jealousy
I feel you creeping up, waiting outside the door of my heart. I am terrified of what you can do to my life but I don't know how to expel you inside of me.
I have no strength to fight you anymore. You are in, in my heart, wrecking havoc, destroying my peace of mind. There's nothing I can do.
I am less than her, less than them, less able, less pretty, less lovable, less talented, less...everything. According to you and your poison.
You compare me to everyone, you find me unworthy and I believe you. I hate you. I love you. You, Jealousy, are driving me insane.
I have no strength to fight you anymore. You are in, in my heart, wrecking havoc, destroying my peace of mind. There's nothing I can do.
I am less than her, less than them, less able, less pretty, less lovable, less talented, less...everything. According to you and your poison.
You compare me to everyone, you find me unworthy and I believe you. I hate you. I love you. You, Jealousy, are driving me insane.
Challenge Day 4
My favorite photograph of my best friend -
This cannot be done. I will explain. I have more than one "best friend" because I cannot rank my friends in such a way as to put one above another. My friends are the best...or I wouldn't have them in my life.
I cannot name my best friends for I would accidentally leave someone off the list. I can list the members of my family who have been the center of my world for as long as I remember. I can list those friends who have kept me alive when I believed suicide was the only answer (yes, I thought about that and can say it without fear; I don't think about it anymore). I can list those people who have mentored me, guided me, helped me to become the woman I am today. I can list the men who have loved me, really, truly loved me and wanted only what is best for me even if the short-term would be painful. I can list the women I have always wanted to be more like because they are unafraid and strong and powerful. I can list the people in my life who bring me joy--unfiltered, profound joy.
But I cannot put a picture of one here.
Thank you, friends, for being my best friends!
This cannot be done. I will explain. I have more than one "best friend" because I cannot rank my friends in such a way as to put one above another. My friends are the best...or I wouldn't have them in my life.
I cannot name my best friends for I would accidentally leave someone off the list. I can list the members of my family who have been the center of my world for as long as I remember. I can list those friends who have kept me alive when I believed suicide was the only answer (yes, I thought about that and can say it without fear; I don't think about it anymore). I can list those people who have mentored me, guided me, helped me to become the woman I am today. I can list the men who have loved me, really, truly loved me and wanted only what is best for me even if the short-term would be painful. I can list the women I have always wanted to be more like because they are unafraid and strong and powerful. I can list the people in my life who bring me joy--unfiltered, profound joy.
But I cannot put a picture of one here.
Thank you, friends, for being my best friends!
Yield
I want to give up.
Not on life...but on most people.
I'm tired of the way people treat each other, the passive-aggressive bullshit, the judging, the self-righteous hypocrisy, the inability to allow others to learn or to have challenges or even to have other interests beside what has been deemed appropriate. I am tired of being the object of scorn, ridicule and/or malicious gossip, of being chastened like a child, of being singled out for minor infractions. I am sick of the two-facedness, the snide remarks, the back-handed compliments, the censure.
Is there a place in the world where people are accepted for what they can do instead of what others think they ought to do? Is there a place where diversity is cherished rather than conformity? Is there a group of people who see strength first and encourage each other toward amelioration? Or is the world just one large pool of insecure, petty individuals who speak like they care about causes yet secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) undermine all efforts? At what point did we become a world full of solitary entities attempting to earn the one prize, a prize that isn't meant for just one person?
I want to give up.
I don't know how.
Not on life...but on most people.
I'm tired of the way people treat each other, the passive-aggressive bullshit, the judging, the self-righteous hypocrisy, the inability to allow others to learn or to have challenges or even to have other interests beside what has been deemed appropriate. I am tired of being the object of scorn, ridicule and/or malicious gossip, of being chastened like a child, of being singled out for minor infractions. I am sick of the two-facedness, the snide remarks, the back-handed compliments, the censure.
Is there a place in the world where people are accepted for what they can do instead of what others think they ought to do? Is there a place where diversity is cherished rather than conformity? Is there a group of people who see strength first and encourage each other toward amelioration? Or is the world just one large pool of insecure, petty individuals who speak like they care about causes yet secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) undermine all efforts? At what point did we become a world full of solitary entities attempting to earn the one prize, a prize that isn't meant for just one person?
I want to give up.
I don't know how.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Ready
...or not?
I see the irony of writing a blog and then worrying about sharing it with "the world." I get that the "world wide web" means that anyone with a little time on their hands and a fair skill with computers could find my blog regardless of the privacy settings I may have picked. I know that I cannot hide forever in the static or the ozone after transcribing my "thoughts and dreams" in this forum.
That knowledge and understanding does not, however, dispel my fears or assuage the insecurities of baring my soul to friends and strangers alike. I worry that you will see who I am, see beyond what I show or share, into who I really am, that you will see and then judge. So, am I ready...or not?
I see the irony of writing a blog and then worrying about sharing it with "the world." I get that the "world wide web" means that anyone with a little time on their hands and a fair skill with computers could find my blog regardless of the privacy settings I may have picked. I know that I cannot hide forever in the static or the ozone after transcribing my "thoughts and dreams" in this forum.
That knowledge and understanding does not, however, dispel my fears or assuage the insecurities of baring my soul to friends and strangers alike. I worry that you will see who I am, see beyond what I show or share, into who I really am, that you will see and then judge. So, am I ready...or not?
Challenge Day 3
My idea of the perfect first date -
I appreciate the beauty of anticipation--those moments, hours, days leading up to an event. My idea of a perfect date starts with that beautiful anticipation, with the butterflies and excitement of being able to spend time with someone I like, someone I'm looking forward to getting to know. I would start thinking about what I'll wear long before the day of the date only adding to my enjoyment of anticipation.
As far as the perfect first date "activity" and/or "venue," that will depend on this man I'll be dating and what time of year it is. For instance, does he love sports and it's winter? Then the perfect date is probably a hockey game. Does he love leisurely walks in the evening and it's springtime? Then let's find a great restaurant along the water or near a park. I like all those things.
If money were no object and time could stand still, the most perfect date would be a night "on the town" in New York City--see a play, have dinner then a walk along Battery Park. I'd like to sit on a park bench, watching the sun dip down behind Lady Liberty while we talk, hold hands and fall in love.
Sometimes, though, the most simple are the most perfect. A quiet dinner for two after work where we sit side-by-side, holding hands, whispering to each other, learning to relax into each other's lives, finding those parts that are similar and cherishing the things that are different.
In the end the perfect date will always include the "perfect" man--he's not perfect to the world but for me...for me he IS perfect.
I appreciate the beauty of anticipation--those moments, hours, days leading up to an event. My idea of a perfect date starts with that beautiful anticipation, with the butterflies and excitement of being able to spend time with someone I like, someone I'm looking forward to getting to know. I would start thinking about what I'll wear long before the day of the date only adding to my enjoyment of anticipation.
As far as the perfect first date "activity" and/or "venue," that will depend on this man I'll be dating and what time of year it is. For instance, does he love sports and it's winter? Then the perfect date is probably a hockey game. Does he love leisurely walks in the evening and it's springtime? Then let's find a great restaurant along the water or near a park. I like all those things.
If money were no object and time could stand still, the most perfect date would be a night "on the town" in New York City--see a play, have dinner then a walk along Battery Park. I'd like to sit on a park bench, watching the sun dip down behind Lady Liberty while we talk, hold hands and fall in love.
Sometimes, though, the most simple are the most perfect. A quiet dinner for two after work where we sit side-by-side, holding hands, whispering to each other, learning to relax into each other's lives, finding those parts that are similar and cherishing the things that are different.
In the end the perfect date will always include the "perfect" man--he's not perfect to the world but for me...for me he IS perfect.
Challenge Day 2
A photo of something you ate today.
Bread, cheese, prosciutto, fig jam, bing cherries and Fabbioli Cellars Cabernet Frac
Bread, cheese, prosciutto, fig jam, bing cherries and Fabbioli Cellars Cabernet Frac
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