Unconditional

Literally "without conditions," no strings, no expectations for change, nothing. To be loved and accepted 100 percent "as is."


How do I love you? Do I want you to be any different than the person you are at this moment? Do I expect you to "live up to your potential" meaning what I believe your potential might be? Do I wish that something was different? Do I accept you exactly how you are, 100 percent, right now with all your imperfections? Are you perfect in my eyes?


The first person I loved unconditionally was my youngest sister, Dianna. I was twelve when we "met" and family life was so topsy-turvy, chaotic, she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Not the first sibling I came to know but the first I remember understanding what was happening outside of my tight little sphere. Sure, I would get upset with her, she's a little sister after all, and siblings by definition tend to be at odds over something or other but in my eyes she is perfect just as she is.


Luckily loving Dianna unconditionally was more like a gateway to experiencing those same feelings for my other siblings and while I still hope they never experience disappointment, are never hurt, have all their dreams come true and live happily ever after, I love them each "as is."


Most people look at another and think about what they can get from them. "I'll be friends with so-and-so because they're popular and I want to be popular too" or some other messed up rationale. Networking isn't something we should do for friends and lovers. Most people mistrust networkers anyway.


My sister-friends are women I grew to love. I met Christy during an interview and after 15 minutes in-person and a few long distance phone calls, I knew that I would be a better person with her in my life. I met Lesa at book club and while we seemed to have little in common, I was drawn to her strength and her optimism. Luckily for me she was persistent but it didn't take long to realize that without her I would stumble. I met Kay through her sister who arranged a "play date" for us. First movies and a quick bite to eat then so many other shared interests and a similar life journey. All these led to this place where we are now, caring about each other and our lives.


The experience of loving a man, a romantic partner, unconditionally did not come as easily as loving my youngest sister or my sister-friends. This unconditional love didn't happen in one fell-swoop nor did it happen without pain and suffering. I had many unrealistic expectations (a sure killer of unconditional love as expectations are the opposite of unconditional) and ended up shedding gallons of tears in the process. Yet, eventually, once forgiveness for perceived wrongs and management of expectations, I grew to love Jeff without any strings. Our friendship strengthened and I let myself love him without expectation, without condition, without needing anything back from him, not even love. By loving him in this way, he began to love me, to accept me as I am and finally our relationship moved to a place where I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally and feel love from him, knowing that no matter what I choose or do or become, he will always love me and accept me.


But, you. I didnt' look at you and think, "What can I get out of him?" I let you show me who you are and then I trusted you. Yes, that was very scary for me but that's another blog subject. I started loving you as we spent time together. I started to see you. You made it easy to love you and, even though I struggled at first, easy to be loved by you. 


I can't remember the first moment I looked up, saw you smiling at me and realized that I love you as you are. Those moments happened all the time, making me smile and glow. I love you, the "you" you are now, the person who has experienced everything up to this point. I don't want you to change who you are. I love who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. Nope, I don't want any part of you to change. That doesn't mean that I wish things weren't different, I do, but not if "different" means you are different. You are extraordinary in all ways and I love you forever.


This is the sort of love I require from my partner and I realize that unconditional love takes time and effort. I know that unconditional love means letting the other person be exactly who they are, wanting nothing changed or in return for giving the gift of love and acceptance. I don't love and accept in hope of receiving love and acceptance back from him. If he chooses to love me, to accept me as I am, I am grateful but that doesn't not impede my accepting him or giving love to him. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to love differently.