Every once in a while I see a child and my heart hurts. Not because of the conclusion you may automatically jump to, no, this is for the loss of an opportunity. And, sometimes, following closely behind, is the realization that my life is not exactly how I had hoped it would be when I dreamed of it as a little girl.
I won't address every aspect of my current life that doesn't meet the dreams I had as a child, I only want to speak about having a family. Yes, this could be surprising to folks who know me--I wanted my own family. I wanted a husband and children.
I remember as a teenager thinking that eleven children would be fabulous. We'd have a football team as long as everyone played both sides. Or maybe nine kids and our very own baseball team. I was raised in a family of 5 which is technically a basketball team and that might work. As I got older and more selfish I realized tennis doubles would probably be best.
Then I didn't get married which will need to be a separate post. As the years ticked by and I remained unmarried I tried to cut the need for my own children, my own family, out of my heart. I figured that if I could convince myself that I didn't want a family the pain I was feeling would go away. All the convincing in the world wasn't working though and my heart hurt a lot. I struggled attending church because all around me I saw this thing I wanted but couldn't find or get. I made me wrong, incomplete and undesirable because I wasn't married with children.
I met a man with a small daughter and we fell in love. One night, laying in bed next to him, I realized that I loved her too and my heart started to heal from the pain of not being a mother. I mean, if I couldn't be a biological mother, at least I could be a step-mom. For years that role met the needs I had and had been burying away. My husband didn't want more children so I convinced myself that I didn't either.
After years of physical suffering, I decided that I wasn't ever going to use my uterus so I had a hysterectomy. It wasn't a decision that I made overnight, it was years in the making. The freedom from the constant recurring pain is indescribable--just as indescribable as the pain since my teenage years. I don't regret that choice. I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time.
My heart hasn't yearned for a child or for children. I'm not one of those 40-something women who suddenly must have a kid or my life won't be complete. I can understand the desire to procreate or even to care for a child. I just don't have those desperate feelings.
Yet, every once in a while I see a small child and, for whatever reason, I want to be a mom. I feel the enormity of the lost opportunities crash all around me and have to grieve again. I wonder what it would feel like to hold a child in my now non-existent womb. I wonder how I'd be as a parent. I wonder what my children's names would be, what color hair they would have, how different their personalities would be.
I did make a good step-mom and maybe I can be a step-mom again but as I continue on as an unmarried woman I see the probabilities of that role slip farther and farther away. So I am back to trying to convince myself that I don't want my own little family. I try to convince myself that "Aunt" is enough. I try to feel fulfilled as a woman without having the chance to be a mother.
Yet...I still want that dream, I still want the husband and family.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Lucky
I am amazing.
When I look in the mirror I don't always see myself as others see me. Today I see a strong, powerful, amazing woman. I'm open, caring, generous, loving, talented. Sure, I can be cautious and afraid--I'm human after all--but mostly I am amazing.
And...I loved you. Of all the candidates to choose from, I opened my heart to you and I let you in. You may have battered at the door, I still had to undo the lock. I chose you. I remember the moment when I picked, standing on the corner of the city street on a chilly, overcast day, I said "Yes."
I will not regret my choice, that decision to open the way, nor will I dwell on the times I let fear hold me back because I eventually allowed myself to be loved and to love...completely, absolutely, without restraint. I never wanted you to be different, I only wanted the situation to be changed--a situation you would not, will not change.
Now I want to point out (just in case denial clouds your vision entirely) that you are the luckiest man alive.
But your luck has run out.
When I look in the mirror I don't always see myself as others see me. Today I see a strong, powerful, amazing woman. I'm open, caring, generous, loving, talented. Sure, I can be cautious and afraid--I'm human after all--but mostly I am amazing.
And...I loved you. Of all the candidates to choose from, I opened my heart to you and I let you in. You may have battered at the door, I still had to undo the lock. I chose you. I remember the moment when I picked, standing on the corner of the city street on a chilly, overcast day, I said "Yes."
I will not regret my choice, that decision to open the way, nor will I dwell on the times I let fear hold me back because I eventually allowed myself to be loved and to love...completely, absolutely, without restraint. I never wanted you to be different, I only wanted the situation to be changed--a situation you would not, will not change.
Now I want to point out (just in case denial clouds your vision entirely) that you are the luckiest man alive.
But your luck has run out.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Pain
Nothing hurts like "I don't love you anymore." Nothing.
First, there was surprise. Could this be happening? Next, humiliation. All those stupid things I did, thinking I was loved. How could I be so stupid? After the shock came the pain. Pain accompanied by tears. I guess I should have expected this--the situation was not sustainable. Unfortunately, since my feelings hadn't changed, I was surprised.
Friends, family and even my therapist are quick to point out that I do deserve to be loved, to be chosen over all others but the truth is I don't really believe it. The evidence? If I believed I deserve to be loved and chosen above all other women, I would be. I wouldn't take just the crumbs offered to me by men who cannot or will not give me all that I deserve, all that I need.
I wish there was some magic pill or incantation I could say that would alter what I believe about myself and my life. I'm 45-years-old and I want to be loved. It's not a crime and it doesn't make me weak or less.
So you may never read this, may never know how much your words hurt me. Maybe you know. Maybe you care that your words hurt me. Maybe you don't and it can't matter to me, not anymore. Now I have to say enough is enough. Now I have to love me more than I love you. Now the pain of loving you is greater than not loving you.
While the pain persists all I can do is endure, wait it out and get to the same place...where I can say "I don't love you anymore."
First, there was surprise. Could this be happening? Next, humiliation. All those stupid things I did, thinking I was loved. How could I be so stupid? After the shock came the pain. Pain accompanied by tears. I guess I should have expected this--the situation was not sustainable. Unfortunately, since my feelings hadn't changed, I was surprised.
Friends, family and even my therapist are quick to point out that I do deserve to be loved, to be chosen over all others but the truth is I don't really believe it. The evidence? If I believed I deserve to be loved and chosen above all other women, I would be. I wouldn't take just the crumbs offered to me by men who cannot or will not give me all that I deserve, all that I need.
I wish there was some magic pill or incantation I could say that would alter what I believe about myself and my life. I'm 45-years-old and I want to be loved. It's not a crime and it doesn't make me weak or less.
So you may never read this, may never know how much your words hurt me. Maybe you know. Maybe you care that your words hurt me. Maybe you don't and it can't matter to me, not anymore. Now I have to say enough is enough. Now I have to love me more than I love you. Now the pain of loving you is greater than not loving you.
While the pain persists all I can do is endure, wait it out and get to the same place...where I can say "I don't love you anymore."
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Answers
Have you ever given someone the answer, the one you knew they were looking for but couldn’t find? It didn’t work out exactly, did it? That’s because the person you gave the answer to had to find the answer for him/herself. There’s just no other way. Think about that for a moment. The last time someone gave you precise advice (not the “keep your chin up” variety that we generally get and give but the very precise “go knock on 10 doors and ask everyone who answers for a cup of sugar” type), how did you take it? Did you take it? Come on, be honest. Did you really?
It is easy to see solutions for other people’s problems because we aren’t caught up in the day-to-day details of being that other person. We don’t understand their fears from a visceral perspective. We don’t have the same experiences, haven’t walked the same pathway, haven’t lived through the same consequences. Solutions seem so clear to us and, maybe, the solution is clear but that’s not any reason to expect another person, with free will, to follow our advice.
Plus, giving an answer defeats the growth purpose of a problem. Yes, there is a purpose to every problem, a lesson to be learned and not just to avoid having that problem or a similar issue repeated. Finding solutions to problems is empowering to an individual. Finding a solution and following through with the solution increases self-esteem. Taking responsibility for the problem and enacting the solution frees us from the misery of being a victim—and being a victim is not fun.
When you look at my life you see ways I could resolve my problems. Don’t lie. You do. I know you do because when I look at your life I see solutions. I know that you want to give me your solutions and that you want me to act upon them because, from your perspective (and I really have come to hate that word—but that’s a topic for another post), your solution would solve my problem…and therein lies the rub—it’s YOUR solution to MY problem.
The greatest victories in life are in finding one’s own solutions to one’s problems. Don’t believe me? Fine, then keep asking people for advice and then not following it and staying unhappy bogged down in your problem. If you see a repeated pattern of misery and woe, it’s probable that you’re either (1) not trying to solve the problem and/or (2) trying other people’s advice/solutions. Or, take a chance, ask The Universe and God for the best possible way to overcome and then do it. Don’t worry if it seems a crazy idea. Sometimes “sweeping up the Cheerios*” teaches you to listen and obey which is the first step required before the “big” answer is given.
I believe that we are on the earth to be happy, to experience joy. I believe that suffering and trials are teaching tools to help us make the necessary changes in our lives, changes that bring us closer to joy and happiness. Choose joy, no matter the perceived outcomes, choose joy and see what happens. Take the first step toward what makes you happiest and the next step will be illuminated. Don’t believe me, no problem, it’s not my promise but it works every time.
By the way, I’m not an expert at finding my own solutions immediately and I often try other people’s advice first which invariably leads to some sort of frustration or disappointment. I know that I’m not as invested in the solution when it wasn’t my idea. That’s human nature—no one likes being told what to do. I prefer being guided to the answer. You are no different than me in this way (even if you start to contradict me in your mind). And, sometimes, I think it would be easier if someone were to just take over my life and live it for me as long as they solve all my problems but that just creates more problems. I’m a free person and I want to make my own choices even if those choices seem “incorrect” to another person. Plus I learn best from my own mistakes (I will take your lessons under consideration though).
Why all this prattling on about answers? I would love to give you plausible, viable solutions to the problems you are facing in your life but even if you were to accept the solution and act upon it, one day you would wake up and think “none of this was my idea” and you would resent me, resent my solution, resent everything that followed. I will not contribute to regret, not yours, not mine. I don’t want you to resent me [to feel aggrieved about something or toward somebody, often because of a perceived wrong or injustice—Encarta Dictionary].
Does this mean that I don’t wish you could see an alternative? I do wish that because I wish you happiness and joy. So, my advice to you is this: be open to joy, be open to a solution that brings you closer to joy, head in that direction no matter how dark the pathway seems for the next step will light up if it’s the right way for you to go. God wants you to be happy on this earth in this life. Yes, He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it.
*In our family “sweeping up the Cheerios” became synonymous with doing something seemingly incongruent with the requested blessing yet, in the end, lead directly to the manifestation of the miracle. Ask me about this some time and I’ll share this family adventure with you.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Brother
My brother is the only man who has been consistently in my life and the lives of my sisters. I know that we all feel much the same...we worship him. Is he perfect? No and we're probably the first to point out just where he misses the mark yet if anyone else were to criticize him in anyway we will defend his honor till the death.
Growing up we endured all manner of acting out by him. He was, after all, the only boy in a family of women...very angry women. I have cried for the hurts he has withstood because of this anger. I wish I could take it all away, take it all back. Yes, he is an amazing person and an honorable man and never deserved to be so treated. I know we all wish we had been gentler with him and his feelings.
Right now I want to honor him, tell the world how amazing he is, how much I love and admire him. He is good. He tries to be just and fair and righteous. He is kind and considerate. He will do anything for a friend and everyone is a friend. He forgives and hopes and loves and sacrifices.
When he was born my life was turned upside-down and I wasn't sure that this was a good thing. I have said that, had I known the word, I would have called him "Usurper" because that's what he did, he stole my life. He didn't really but as a 2-year-old that's how it felt. By the way, parents, that's how it feels. You may not remember a younger sibling coming into your family and you may have convinced yourself that it's all good but at the time you hated that little f**ker!
As we grew and as our lives fell apart, the only thing we had were each other, the five of us and the only man we knew (the sisters) who wouldn't leave us, wouldn't abandon us ever, is Bradley Davidson Bates. You may read this and think I'm being overly dramatic but I'll tell you what...Brenda summed it up nicely: you know those awful things that happened to other people, those are the things that happened to us. Bradley is always there and always will be.
My sisters have married men very like Bradley and, while they may posture and preen in an attempt to denounce my statement, they know the truth. Michael, Jeremy and Will are all very much made in the mold of Bradley. I was even married to a man similar to Bradley in certain ways.
Now, as a single woman looking for my Last First Kiss, I am looking for someone who reminds me enough of my brother without being weird. Those personality traits that make my brother amazing and wonderful calm me, reassure me and comfort me. I want to be a better person because this someone who is like Bradley is a good person and a great man.
Yes, I have loved several men who are like Bradley and I will love them forever. I hope and pray for one who will love me back enough to spend the rest of his life with me, because no matter how crazy life gets, I know that with someone like my brother, I will conquer fear, overcome trials and tribulations and live a full and glorious life.
I love you, Bradley Davidson Bates. Thank you for being so wonderful!
Growing up we endured all manner of acting out by him. He was, after all, the only boy in a family of women...very angry women. I have cried for the hurts he has withstood because of this anger. I wish I could take it all away, take it all back. Yes, he is an amazing person and an honorable man and never deserved to be so treated. I know we all wish we had been gentler with him and his feelings.
Right now I want to honor him, tell the world how amazing he is, how much I love and admire him. He is good. He tries to be just and fair and righteous. He is kind and considerate. He will do anything for a friend and everyone is a friend. He forgives and hopes and loves and sacrifices.
When he was born my life was turned upside-down and I wasn't sure that this was a good thing. I have said that, had I known the word, I would have called him "Usurper" because that's what he did, he stole my life. He didn't really but as a 2-year-old that's how it felt. By the way, parents, that's how it feels. You may not remember a younger sibling coming into your family and you may have convinced yourself that it's all good but at the time you hated that little f**ker!
As we grew and as our lives fell apart, the only thing we had were each other, the five of us and the only man we knew (the sisters) who wouldn't leave us, wouldn't abandon us ever, is Bradley Davidson Bates. You may read this and think I'm being overly dramatic but I'll tell you what...Brenda summed it up nicely: you know those awful things that happened to other people, those are the things that happened to us. Bradley is always there and always will be.
My sisters have married men very like Bradley and, while they may posture and preen in an attempt to denounce my statement, they know the truth. Michael, Jeremy and Will are all very much made in the mold of Bradley. I was even married to a man similar to Bradley in certain ways.
Now, as a single woman looking for my Last First Kiss, I am looking for someone who reminds me enough of my brother without being weird. Those personality traits that make my brother amazing and wonderful calm me, reassure me and comfort me. I want to be a better person because this someone who is like Bradley is a good person and a great man.
Yes, I have loved several men who are like Bradley and I will love them forever. I hope and pray for one who will love me back enough to spend the rest of his life with me, because no matter how crazy life gets, I know that with someone like my brother, I will conquer fear, overcome trials and tribulations and live a full and glorious life.
I love you, Bradley Davidson Bates. Thank you for being so wonderful!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Incomprehensible
I wrote this on September 23, 2011, but didn't publish. How prophetic.
I don't understand the "found Jesus" mentality that people employ when faced with unpalatable reality. If you are sitting on death row for a crime worthy of said sentence and you "find Jesus," what part of the Christian doctrine absolves you from experiencing the entire consequence of your sin? Nowhere does it say that forgiveness means you don't make recompense. Duh!
For the last seven months my immediate supervisor and my co-worker have been the victims of relentless persecution by immature and insecure teammates. Now, that they have tendered their resignations, they are being treated fairly by the departmental leadership and protected from the onslaught of the persecutors. Isn't it a little too late?
This behavior irritates me. Why now? Why start treating them fairly now? Why protect them now? I get that you're afraid, that all the time and energy expended to train these two seems wasted now, but shouldn't you have thought about that in the beginning when all the persecutions started?
Maybe now the fear is that I will leave too (which isn't too far from the truth because given the right opportunity I will jump). I have no reason to stay and endure the torture. No amount of money will induce me to accept maltreatment.
For the last seven months my immediate supervisor and my co-worker have been the victims of relentless persecution by immature and insecure teammates. Now, that they have tendered their resignations, they are being treated fairly by the departmental leadership and protected from the onslaught of the persecutors. Isn't it a little too late?
This behavior irritates me. Why now? Why start treating them fairly now? Why protect them now? I get that you're afraid, that all the time and energy expended to train these two seems wasted now, but shouldn't you have thought about that in the beginning when all the persecutions started?
Maybe now the fear is that I will leave too (which isn't too far from the truth because given the right opportunity I will jump). I have no reason to stay and endure the torture. No amount of money will induce me to accept maltreatment.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Recommit
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
I want to make this choice, now, today, at this moment but I want it to stick instead of having to recommit every other minute because some memory or some remark or some action (or inaction) on someone else's part knocks me down. I want to feel profound joy...again and forever. I choose joy.
I want to make this choice, now, today, at this moment but I want it to stick instead of having to recommit every other minute because some memory or some remark or some action (or inaction) on someone else's part knocks me down. I want to feel profound joy...again and forever. I choose joy.
Wonder
I wonder...
when I'll stop dreaming about you.
when I'll stop wishing you were in my life.
when I'll stop missing everything about you.
when I'll stop wanting you near me.
when I'll stop seeing you everywhere.
if I'll ever stop loving you.
when I'll stop dreaming about you.
when I'll stop wishing you were in my life.
when I'll stop missing everything about you.
when I'll stop wanting you near me.
when I'll stop seeing you everywhere.
if I'll ever stop loving you.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Aversion
Most people like to think that they're brave and adventurous, and they may be...in some aspects of their lives. Yet, everyone tends to have something they fear, some risk they are afraid to take.
In finance, investors are categorized according to their ability to accept risk. If your aversion to risk is high, you end up putting your money into low-yield investments because, then if the market crashes, well, you're only out a little (though sometimes even a little can be a lot). If you seek risk and want greater rewards, then you invest in higher yield products. Pretty simple.
Risk aversion, though, applies to all aspects of life, not just investing. For instance, I am terribly afraid of heights and refuse to jump out of a perfectly good airplane no matter how amazing an experience sky diving may be to someone else. I am risk averse when it comes to my physical safety. I will climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the CN Tower, the Space Needle, the Empire State Building just to say that I did but you won't ever see me jumping from the perceived safety of their observation decks.
Some people won't speak in public. Oh, they're great one-on-one or in small groups but the idea of being "up there" talking is more than they can bear. For me, I have no such problem. Sure I'm nervous before talking to groups but not to the point of terror. I have a low aversion to that risk--yes, risk, because at any time I could fall off the stage, forget my lines, stumble or stutter, or any number of other horrors could befall me.
Think about the last time you asked someone out on a date. Maybe it was recently or maybe it's been years or maybe you've never taken the opportunity to be the initiator. Maybe your risk aversion coupled with their risk aversion has kept you from being with someone wonderful. While one person finds it less frightening to ask another out on a date, you might find the prospect of being alone entirely more appealing. Don't blame it on the guy. Men are just as averse to risk as women, even when it comes to asking for a date.
No matter the type of risk, it's a hard thing to do. Risk asks you to step where you're not comfortable, where there is no safety line or net to break your fall. The pain of taking the risk is too great, greater than the pain of maintaining the status quo. So I will continue this path, until the risk is less painful or my ability to take the risk becomes greater. I don't know how long that will take nor what condition I'll be in then.
I replay that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy must take the leap of faith from the lion's head but I am too afraid that the stone path is not there, that I will fall, that I will fail. I am too afraid of the unknown.
Surprised? Did you think I was fearless? That I never balk on the precipice? You're right. I have taken many risks in the past. I have packed up my life and moved to a new place, knowing no one or few people, with no job and no prospects. I let love into my heart knowing that I might be hurt...again. I have stood at the edge of my life and declared that fear will not win the war in spite of any battle outcomes to the contrary.
Right now, today, I feel paralyzed by fear. Today I accept a life of discord and loneliness and stress and physical pain. I see what you see right now, looking at my life. I am not blind, just afraid. I beg God for a path, knowing that I must take the steps. I want to believe that the risk is worth it yet those same feelings I get when I stand at the top of a very tall building or in front of a hostile crowd or watch the stock market lose all my money or see the love of my life walk away, all those feelings suffocate me.
You, my friend, cannot save me. This is the part of the journey I must make on my own. Do I wish I had a companion to walk alongside, to encourage me and love me, to tell me that it will be okay? Yes, desperately. But that is not to be. Aversion to risk plays a part in all our lives and I understand, though you may think I don't, that at this moment it is impossible to overcome.
I will march on, put on a good front and pretend to the masses that I am fine. A few will know the truth (those of you who read this blog, my truest friends and family) that risk and fear are decisively winning this battle.
In finance, investors are categorized according to their ability to accept risk. If your aversion to risk is high, you end up putting your money into low-yield investments because, then if the market crashes, well, you're only out a little (though sometimes even a little can be a lot). If you seek risk and want greater rewards, then you invest in higher yield products. Pretty simple.
Risk aversion, though, applies to all aspects of life, not just investing. For instance, I am terribly afraid of heights and refuse to jump out of a perfectly good airplane no matter how amazing an experience sky diving may be to someone else. I am risk averse when it comes to my physical safety. I will climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the CN Tower, the Space Needle, the Empire State Building just to say that I did but you won't ever see me jumping from the perceived safety of their observation decks.
Some people won't speak in public. Oh, they're great one-on-one or in small groups but the idea of being "up there" talking is more than they can bear. For me, I have no such problem. Sure I'm nervous before talking to groups but not to the point of terror. I have a low aversion to that risk--yes, risk, because at any time I could fall off the stage, forget my lines, stumble or stutter, or any number of other horrors could befall me.
Think about the last time you asked someone out on a date. Maybe it was recently or maybe it's been years or maybe you've never taken the opportunity to be the initiator. Maybe your risk aversion coupled with their risk aversion has kept you from being with someone wonderful. While one person finds it less frightening to ask another out on a date, you might find the prospect of being alone entirely more appealing. Don't blame it on the guy. Men are just as averse to risk as women, even when it comes to asking for a date.
No matter the type of risk, it's a hard thing to do. Risk asks you to step where you're not comfortable, where there is no safety line or net to break your fall. The pain of taking the risk is too great, greater than the pain of maintaining the status quo. So I will continue this path, until the risk is less painful or my ability to take the risk becomes greater. I don't know how long that will take nor what condition I'll be in then.
I replay that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indy must take the leap of faith from the lion's head but I am too afraid that the stone path is not there, that I will fall, that I will fail. I am too afraid of the unknown.
Surprised? Did you think I was fearless? That I never balk on the precipice? You're right. I have taken many risks in the past. I have packed up my life and moved to a new place, knowing no one or few people, with no job and no prospects. I let love into my heart knowing that I might be hurt...again. I have stood at the edge of my life and declared that fear will not win the war in spite of any battle outcomes to the contrary.
Right now, today, I feel paralyzed by fear. Today I accept a life of discord and loneliness and stress and physical pain. I see what you see right now, looking at my life. I am not blind, just afraid. I beg God for a path, knowing that I must take the steps. I want to believe that the risk is worth it yet those same feelings I get when I stand at the top of a very tall building or in front of a hostile crowd or watch the stock market lose all my money or see the love of my life walk away, all those feelings suffocate me.
You, my friend, cannot save me. This is the part of the journey I must make on my own. Do I wish I had a companion to walk alongside, to encourage me and love me, to tell me that it will be okay? Yes, desperately. But that is not to be. Aversion to risk plays a part in all our lives and I understand, though you may think I don't, that at this moment it is impossible to overcome.
I will march on, put on a good front and pretend to the masses that I am fine. A few will know the truth (those of you who read this blog, my truest friends and family) that risk and fear are decisively winning this battle.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remembering
Like every other person in the U.S., my morning started just like the mornings before--the alarm went off and I complained about how early it was. I met my personal trainer and pushed my body as hard as I was able at 5:00 AM. It was 8:00 AM in New York.
I finished getting ready for work after training and headed to my car. I remember climbing into the driver's seat, putting the key into the ignition, hearing the engine start, nonchalantly increasing the volume on the radio as I did every single morning. The DJ said something about a terrible thing happening in New York City. I couldn't understand what he was saying even though he kept repeating it.
I called home. Kyla answered. I asked her as calmly as I was able to please put her dad on the phone. I asked him to please put the news on and tell me it was a joke, tell me that I misunderstood, that the DJ was making it up. I heard the channel change, I heard chaos over the phone line, I heard David tell me that it was true.
I drove to work, I guess, because I was eventually in the office, watching a static-filled screen, watching the repeated scenes of horror, real and absolute terror. I remember standing at the top of the North Tower on the Observation Deck with my family. I couldn't remember a New York City without those towers rising high, pointing ever upward.
I cried. I felt hopeless.
In 2004, I traveled to the East Coast with David and Kyla. We went to the top of the Empire State Building and, as I looked south, I saw the hole in my home, the place where the Towers stood at one time. We walked that direction and then I stood at Ground Zero to see for myself. My emotions were raw and I hurt all over again.
Ten years seems a long time but as I watch the news this morning, all the feelings rush back and I've cried again for the thousandth time. I have no idea what it was like for the families left behind or the citizens living in my City (or in DC). I only know my experience. I hurt when the crashes are replayed. I'm crushed as the buildings come down. Each time like it's the first time.
I am grateful that my dad saved a PanAm advertisement showcasing New York City. The Statue of Liberty centered between the World Trade Center towers at dusk. Each time I enter my apartment I am reminded. I am a New Yorker. I will not forget.
I finished getting ready for work after training and headed to my car. I remember climbing into the driver's seat, putting the key into the ignition, hearing the engine start, nonchalantly increasing the volume on the radio as I did every single morning. The DJ said something about a terrible thing happening in New York City. I couldn't understand what he was saying even though he kept repeating it.
I called home. Kyla answered. I asked her as calmly as I was able to please put her dad on the phone. I asked him to please put the news on and tell me it was a joke, tell me that I misunderstood, that the DJ was making it up. I heard the channel change, I heard chaos over the phone line, I heard David tell me that it was true.
I drove to work, I guess, because I was eventually in the office, watching a static-filled screen, watching the repeated scenes of horror, real and absolute terror. I remember standing at the top of the North Tower on the Observation Deck with my family. I couldn't remember a New York City without those towers rising high, pointing ever upward.
I cried. I felt hopeless.
In 2004, I traveled to the East Coast with David and Kyla. We went to the top of the Empire State Building and, as I looked south, I saw the hole in my home, the place where the Towers stood at one time. We walked that direction and then I stood at Ground Zero to see for myself. My emotions were raw and I hurt all over again.
Ten years seems a long time but as I watch the news this morning, all the feelings rush back and I've cried again for the thousandth time. I have no idea what it was like for the families left behind or the citizens living in my City (or in DC). I only know my experience. I hurt when the crashes are replayed. I'm crushed as the buildings come down. Each time like it's the first time.
I am grateful that my dad saved a PanAm advertisement showcasing New York City. The Statue of Liberty centered between the World Trade Center towers at dusk. Each time I enter my apartment I am reminded. I am a New Yorker. I will not forget.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Hope
I've heard the adage "hope springs eternal" and I've even used it upon occasion. There have been times in my life when I've wished that hope would just die. I believe that hope, like faith, is a way to view life and a choice I make. I hope for better things to come. I hope.
Tonight, as I walked home from work and drinks with a friend, I realized that I still hope, regardless of what I see with my eyes or hear with my ears. I hope. I walk down my street and I hope I'll see you. I wake up each morning and hope that work will be less stressful. I look at the world happening around me and I hope that things will get better. I hope.
I am grateful for hope. I am thankful that my personality doesn't give up so easily. Sometimes I wish, for one moment, that my heart would stop wanting, wishing, hoping. Yet, without hope, without faith, I would not be the person I am today, this person who loves and dreams and tries and wants and hopes.
I do hope.
Tonight, as I walked home from work and drinks with a friend, I realized that I still hope, regardless of what I see with my eyes or hear with my ears. I hope. I walk down my street and I hope I'll see you. I wake up each morning and hope that work will be less stressful. I look at the world happening around me and I hope that things will get better. I hope.
I am grateful for hope. I am thankful that my personality doesn't give up so easily. Sometimes I wish, for one moment, that my heart would stop wanting, wishing, hoping. Yet, without hope, without faith, I would not be the person I am today, this person who loves and dreams and tries and wants and hopes.
I do hope.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Apology
My intention is not to sound self-deprecating by apologizing. I also don't want you to feel guilty for any pain I chose to feel. Like I said once before, YOU could not MAKE me happy or sad or any other emotion. My choice to be sad. My choice to be happy. I hope that your intention was never to injure me, that you were honest with me, that I was really important to you.
I have been feeling very sorry for myself. You made some choices and I made those mean terrible things about me (I did warn you that I might). I should not have but I did. It's not a personality trait I'm proud of but it's one I've had for a long time and I'm not any closer to being free of it than I was 7 months ago.
Truthfully, I am afraid that it was all a lie, that you lied to me but I believed you then and maybe that needs to be enough. There's really nothing I can do about it if you weren't honest with me about how you felt--I just don't like feeling like a fool and because I don't know for sure if you lied I feel like a fool about it all now. Sure, it's dumb but that's how I feel right now.
I am sorry.
I am sorry for all the times that I caused you pain and hurt you. I never intended to but I know that I did. I rerun memories of those moments and wish I could have a do-over for each time and respond differently. I was so afraid that I used old habits and behaviors, I responded as if you were just like them. That's not right and I apologize.
I am sorry for putting you in a position to make choices that you may or may not wish you hadn't made. I knew better. I did. I do. I wanted to be loved, wanted, so badly that I stopped looking at what it might cost you or me or us. Unfortunately the cost now is almost more than I can bear because we are not friends anymore. No, don't object. You know it's true, we're not. We're former friends and of all that I've to regret THAT is the one that hurts me the most now. We aren't friends and I'm jealous of everyone else in your life because I'm outside that circle.
I am sorry for the unrealistic expectations I placed on you. I believed some of the things you said that may have been said innocently enough but I made those things mean more than a passing curiosity or whatever your intention had been. You asked me once if my family would like you with all your "flaws," if I'd consider more from us if things were "different." I let that mean that you were considering...even just for a little while...picking me, and, instead of letting go of that, I have been disappointed. I did not manage my expectations. This is not your fault, not at all. You only spoke words, I made those words mean more than just words.
I am sorry for clinging to you, to the past, to my pain. I am sorry for any discomfort you have felt because of my inability to let go, move on. A friend once said to me, "We do not mourn the end of a day, but look fondly on the rising of the sun tomorrow. Why mourn the loss of one relationship, one love, when there will be another...maybe tomorrow?" Not that it's an excuse, just to explain, I have had difficulty letting go because you are more of what I have wanted in a life partner, you are. I didn't know it at first but as I came to know you, I realized you embody nearly everything that is important to me on "my list." Letting go of that is not easy. It often feels like letting go of you is letting go of "The One" and no one can fault me for that fear. I am afraid that I've lost "The One" and there aren't any others out there.
I am sorry. I won't ask for your forgiveness. Too often people feel obligated to forgive when asked. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for my behavior, my childishness, my flaws and faults, my unrealistic expectations. You will always be a man I love...always.
I have been feeling very sorry for myself. You made some choices and I made those mean terrible things about me (I did warn you that I might). I should not have but I did. It's not a personality trait I'm proud of but it's one I've had for a long time and I'm not any closer to being free of it than I was 7 months ago.
Truthfully, I am afraid that it was all a lie, that you lied to me but I believed you then and maybe that needs to be enough. There's really nothing I can do about it if you weren't honest with me about how you felt--I just don't like feeling like a fool and because I don't know for sure if you lied I feel like a fool about it all now. Sure, it's dumb but that's how I feel right now.
I am sorry.
I am sorry for all the times that I caused you pain and hurt you. I never intended to but I know that I did. I rerun memories of those moments and wish I could have a do-over for each time and respond differently. I was so afraid that I used old habits and behaviors, I responded as if you were just like them. That's not right and I apologize.
I am sorry for putting you in a position to make choices that you may or may not wish you hadn't made. I knew better. I did. I do. I wanted to be loved, wanted, so badly that I stopped looking at what it might cost you or me or us. Unfortunately the cost now is almost more than I can bear because we are not friends anymore. No, don't object. You know it's true, we're not. We're former friends and of all that I've to regret THAT is the one that hurts me the most now. We aren't friends and I'm jealous of everyone else in your life because I'm outside that circle.
I am sorry for the unrealistic expectations I placed on you. I believed some of the things you said that may have been said innocently enough but I made those things mean more than a passing curiosity or whatever your intention had been. You asked me once if my family would like you with all your "flaws," if I'd consider more from us if things were "different." I let that mean that you were considering...even just for a little while...picking me, and, instead of letting go of that, I have been disappointed. I did not manage my expectations. This is not your fault, not at all. You only spoke words, I made those words mean more than just words.
I am sorry for clinging to you, to the past, to my pain. I am sorry for any discomfort you have felt because of my inability to let go, move on. A friend once said to me, "We do not mourn the end of a day, but look fondly on the rising of the sun tomorrow. Why mourn the loss of one relationship, one love, when there will be another...maybe tomorrow?" Not that it's an excuse, just to explain, I have had difficulty letting go because you are more of what I have wanted in a life partner, you are. I didn't know it at first but as I came to know you, I realized you embody nearly everything that is important to me on "my list." Letting go of that is not easy. It often feels like letting go of you is letting go of "The One" and no one can fault me for that fear. I am afraid that I've lost "The One" and there aren't any others out there.
I am sorry. I won't ask for your forgiveness. Too often people feel obligated to forgive when asked. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for my behavior, my childishness, my flaws and faults, my unrealistic expectations. You will always be a man I love...always.
Treasure
I am blessed, truly. I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I have material wealth or things that I "own." I have an amazing family and great friends. I have wonderful experiences...ups and downs. All these make my life wonderful.
Focusing on the "things" (experiences, materials, people) not currently part of my life negates all the good I actually have right now. How ungrateful I can be!
Instead of clinging to little pieces of life and closing myself off to all my dreams, I choose to be the powerful, amazing woman I am...have been...will be again.
I am not perfect. I know, you're surprised...that I can admit it. I'm not always right. In fact I'm often wrong (much to my chagrin). I still struggle with weakness, challenge, opportunities for growth. Often I don't want to overcome...too often I want to curl up and hide away from trials, tribulations and their like.
But I'm a good person. I love people, not just the ones I know. I try to do my best all the time. I am honest even when it's not comfortable. I forgive though it's tougher to forgive myself sometimes. I deserve good things in my life.
It's time for me to live my motto, time to "go confidently in the direction of my dreams!" I choose to live the life I imagined, that I imagine today. I choose life and happiness and, while I may stumble, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and head that direction again and again until the closing credits roll.
I am blessed, truly. Thank you, God, the Universe, friends, family, life!
Focusing on the "things" (experiences, materials, people) not currently part of my life negates all the good I actually have right now. How ungrateful I can be!
Instead of clinging to little pieces of life and closing myself off to all my dreams, I choose to be the powerful, amazing woman I am...have been...will be again.
I am not perfect. I know, you're surprised...that I can admit it. I'm not always right. In fact I'm often wrong (much to my chagrin). I still struggle with weakness, challenge, opportunities for growth. Often I don't want to overcome...too often I want to curl up and hide away from trials, tribulations and their like.
But I'm a good person. I love people, not just the ones I know. I try to do my best all the time. I am honest even when it's not comfortable. I forgive though it's tougher to forgive myself sometimes. I deserve good things in my life.
It's time for me to live my motto, time to "go confidently in the direction of my dreams!" I choose to live the life I imagined, that I imagine today. I choose life and happiness and, while I may stumble, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and head that direction again and again until the closing credits roll.
I am blessed, truly. Thank you, God, the Universe, friends, family, life!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Healing
I'm not better. I'm not whole. I haven't recovered.
But time has past. It's past time, right?
I see it on my friends' faces when I start feeling sad--they really don't want to hear about my heartache, they can't understand why my heart still aches. Some even tell me that I'm better off without him or they try to tell me that, since he didn't pick me he must be a jerk, that I deserve better.
I'm trying to "move on" (though no one can tell me how to do it). I pray that I'll wake up and be over him, not love him anymore, not miss him in my life. I beg the Universe for the desire to desire another man. I wonder when I'll want to have sex with someone else.
I want to heal. Please God please help me, help me heal.
But time has past. It's past time, right?
I see it on my friends' faces when I start feeling sad--they really don't want to hear about my heartache, they can't understand why my heart still aches. Some even tell me that I'm better off without him or they try to tell me that, since he didn't pick me he must be a jerk, that I deserve better.
I'm trying to "move on" (though no one can tell me how to do it). I pray that I'll wake up and be over him, not love him anymore, not miss him in my life. I beg the Universe for the desire to desire another man. I wonder when I'll want to have sex with someone else.
I want to heal. Please God please help me, help me heal.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Plummet
I am often surprised by how affected I can be by some seemingly trifling thing. This isn't something about me that I like, in fact, I would love to be less affected, less emotional, less attached but I fear that being so would actually make me less of who I am. Lesa likes to remind me that I'm an "all in" type, meaning when I love, I love completely.
When I was younger I was less apt to feel all my feelings. It was easier and safer to bottle them up, store them on a shelf and let the dust collect. Eventually, though, there were more bottles on the shelf collecting dust than the shelf could handle and my internalized feelings became a liability to my existence.
Sorting through all those feelings wasn't a cake-walk, as you can well imagine. I had to deal with abandonment issues, living with alcoholics (sober and not so sober) and the murder of my grandfather. I didn't want to deal with these things but knew that, if I didn't, I'd suffer more and life would be less lovely.
My life is lovely and I agree with Lesa, I am "all in" when it comes to my feelings. This doesn't make me a "Twinkie" though...not in a negative, condescending way. I want to be that woman who feels her feelings and expresses them, shares them with others. I don't want that to change...
But being "all in" also means that occasionally someone's offhand comment does affect me and how I feel. I don't subscribe to the notion that another person causes me to be happy or sad or any other feeling. My feelings are my responsibility but sometimes I do let what others say contribute to how I feel. That is what I'd like to change without building up a wall so thick and tall that no one can scale it and I can't break it down.
So, how do I protect myself from these emotional darts (intentional and unintentional) that are flung my way? I don't like falling down especially when I started out feeling so good.
When I was younger I was less apt to feel all my feelings. It was easier and safer to bottle them up, store them on a shelf and let the dust collect. Eventually, though, there were more bottles on the shelf collecting dust than the shelf could handle and my internalized feelings became a liability to my existence.
Sorting through all those feelings wasn't a cake-walk, as you can well imagine. I had to deal with abandonment issues, living with alcoholics (sober and not so sober) and the murder of my grandfather. I didn't want to deal with these things but knew that, if I didn't, I'd suffer more and life would be less lovely.
My life is lovely and I agree with Lesa, I am "all in" when it comes to my feelings. This doesn't make me a "Twinkie" though...not in a negative, condescending way. I want to be that woman who feels her feelings and expresses them, shares them with others. I don't want that to change...
But being "all in" also means that occasionally someone's offhand comment does affect me and how I feel. I don't subscribe to the notion that another person causes me to be happy or sad or any other feeling. My feelings are my responsibility but sometimes I do let what others say contribute to how I feel. That is what I'd like to change without building up a wall so thick and tall that no one can scale it and I can't break it down.
So, how do I protect myself from these emotional darts (intentional and unintentional) that are flung my way? I don't like falling down especially when I started out feeling so good.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Challenge Day 27
A picture of me last year and now; and how have I changed since -
Before:
Three hundred sixty four/five days is a long time that can go by very quickly. In many ways I'm still the same. In other ways I've very different.
One year ago I was new to the DC Metro and still unemployed. I missed my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, and didn't know if I'd made the right choice in moving east. I was living out of a "suitcase" and in the extra bedroom of friends of my parents. I felt pretty low and depressed. At the time I was praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
Now, a year later, I am a new resident to DC. I miss my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, but I know that I made the right choice. I have my own place with a great view and an awesome commute. I'm employed and I'm starting to make friends. I had a boyfriend (which is no surprise to anyone reading this blog). I still feel pretty low and depressed and I'm back to praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
My goals for one year from now:
I have an action plan for these goals, starting with letting a bud of faith grow in my head and heart that I am deserving of these miracles in my life.
Before:
Now:
Three hundred sixty four/five days is a long time that can go by very quickly. In many ways I'm still the same. In other ways I've very different.
One year ago I was new to the DC Metro and still unemployed. I missed my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, and didn't know if I'd made the right choice in moving east. I was living out of a "suitcase" and in the extra bedroom of friends of my parents. I felt pretty low and depressed. At the time I was praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
Now, a year later, I am a new resident to DC. I miss my MN friends, especially my sister-friends, but I know that I made the right choice. I have my own place with a great view and an awesome commute. I'm employed and I'm starting to make friends. I had a boyfriend (which is no surprise to anyone reading this blog). I still feel pretty low and depressed and I'm back to praying for a new job, new friends and a boyfriend.
My goals for one year from now:
- A new job where I am valued for my contribution, treated with respect, and rewarded generously.
- A local group of supportive friends with whom I spend time, share my life and enjoy our time together.
- A long-term committed relationship with an amazing man who loves me and accepts me exactly as I am and who allows me to do the same for him.
I have an action plan for these goals, starting with letting a bud of faith grow in my head and heart that I am deserving of these miracles in my life.
Challenge Day 30
A photograph of myself today +
three things that have happened in the past 30 days -
1. I have survived two natural disasters. On August 23, 2011, a 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook DC (epicenter closer to Richmond VA) during the middle of our work day. Scared a lot of folks who'd never experienced such a thing and led several to believe another terrorist attack was underway. During the last weekend (August 27 - 28, 2011), the entire Eastern Seaboard was hit by Hurricane Irene. No damage to my place, no loss of electricity nor accumulation of water but it was the 'talk of the town.'
2. My ex and I broke up again but not before I begged him to pick me, to take the risk on us, on love, on happiness. Obviously his risk tolerance isn't capable of that choice and I don't fault him. Taking a chance on us would have been life-altering and there is no guarantee that the grass is greener. I have no idea if he misses me or still loves me and I may never find out. The loss of him in my life is more profound than I could have ever imagined.
3. My former roommate, Valerie Schoen, came to visit me and finally got to visit a couple of DC landmarks. I also took her out to Fabbioli Cellars, where I'm a club member. I love sharing Fabbioli with my friends. It's a great little place not too far into VA so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It was fabulous to have her here from a purely selfish perspective and I'm looking forward to having other friends and family come to visit me.
Me today:
Thank you for cheering me on during this 30-Day Challenge!
Love,
Bonnie
three things that have happened in the past 30 days -
1. I have survived two natural disasters. On August 23, 2011, a 5.9-magnitude earthquake shook DC (epicenter closer to Richmond VA) during the middle of our work day. Scared a lot of folks who'd never experienced such a thing and led several to believe another terrorist attack was underway. During the last weekend (August 27 - 28, 2011), the entire Eastern Seaboard was hit by Hurricane Irene. No damage to my place, no loss of electricity nor accumulation of water but it was the 'talk of the town.'
2. My ex and I broke up again but not before I begged him to pick me, to take the risk on us, on love, on happiness. Obviously his risk tolerance isn't capable of that choice and I don't fault him. Taking a chance on us would have been life-altering and there is no guarantee that the grass is greener. I have no idea if he misses me or still loves me and I may never find out. The loss of him in my life is more profound than I could have ever imagined.
3. My former roommate, Valerie Schoen, came to visit me and finally got to visit a couple of DC landmarks. I also took her out to Fabbioli Cellars, where I'm a club member. I love sharing Fabbioli with my friends. It's a great little place not too far into VA so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It was fabulous to have her here from a purely selfish perspective and I'm looking forward to having other friends and family come to visit me.
Me today:
Thank you for cheering me on during this 30-Day Challenge!
Love,
Bonnie
Enough
Pretty
Ambitious
Popular
Sexy
Petite
Sweet
Needy
Skinny
Good
Special
Funny
Athletic
Rich
Young
Independent
Talented
Maternal
Curvy
Generous
Edgy
Kind
Spiritual
Experienced
Loving
Open
Honest
Patient
Accepting
Perfect?
ENOUGH!
When is it...enough?
When am I...enough?
Why aren't I...enough?
Ambitious
Popular
Sexy
Petite
Sweet
Needy
Skinny
Good
Special
Funny
Athletic
Rich
Young
Independent
Talented
Maternal
Curvy
Generous
Edgy
Kind
Spiritual
Experienced
Loving
Open
Honest
Patient
Accepting
Perfect?
ENOUGH!
When is it...enough?
When am I...enough?
Why aren't I...enough?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Challenge Day 29
Something I could never get tired of doing -
That's great query. I believe that anything we do has the potential to lose it's luster and become torturous. It may take a lifetime for that to happen but I believe that it's a possibility.
What do I love to do? I love to read. I love to travel. I love to walk. I love to eat. I love to spend time with my family. I love to sleep. I love to have sex. I love to be creative and use my mind. I love to interact with others, entertain them when possible and learn from them always.
To pick the one thing I could never get tired of doing, ever, isn't easy. Making those kinds of choices pushes all my commitment-phobia buttons...what if I pick the wrong one? So I'll arbitrarily pick...
That's great query. I believe that anything we do has the potential to lose it's luster and become torturous. It may take a lifetime for that to happen but I believe that it's a possibility.
What do I love to do? I love to read. I love to travel. I love to walk. I love to eat. I love to spend time with my family. I love to sleep. I love to have sex. I love to be creative and use my mind. I love to interact with others, entertain them when possible and learn from them always.
To pick the one thing I could never get tired of doing, ever, isn't easy. Making those kinds of choices pushes all my commitment-phobia buttons...what if I pick the wrong one? So I'll arbitrarily pick...
Challenge Day 28
My favorite movie -
Easy, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I still remember sitting in the theater with Megan Baker waiting for the movie to start. The lights lowered. Our fingers were already sticky from the buttered popcorn. I remember the Paramount mountain fading into the opening scene.
Never had I been so enthralled by a movie. Everything about it was perfect to me. I loved how the movie makers guided me on an emotional journey where I experienced fear, excitement, resolve, horror and awe. I was awed.
I decided to study film direction in college because of that movie and even made a short movie my senior year of high school. Of course some stupid professor told our class that women rarely make it in film, especially as directors, unless they sleep their way to the top...yes, he did and, yes, at BYU. So I changed my major...not wanting to sleep my way to the top.
Nevertheless, Raiders has remained my favorite because of how I felt and how my life changed because of it. Thank you Steven Spielberg.
Easy, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I still remember sitting in the theater with Megan Baker waiting for the movie to start. The lights lowered. Our fingers were already sticky from the buttered popcorn. I remember the Paramount mountain fading into the opening scene.
Never had I been so enthralled by a movie. Everything about it was perfect to me. I loved how the movie makers guided me on an emotional journey where I experienced fear, excitement, resolve, horror and awe. I was awed.
I decided to study film direction in college because of that movie and even made a short movie my senior year of high school. Of course some stupid professor told our class that women rarely make it in film, especially as directors, unless they sleep their way to the top...yes, he did and, yes, at BYU. So I changed my major...not wanting to sleep my way to the top.
Nevertheless, Raiders has remained my favorite because of how I felt and how my life changed because of it. Thank you Steven Spielberg.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Challenge Day 26
A photo of somewhere I've been to -
Pick a place. That's more of a challenge than finding the photo itself. I've been to many places. Not as many as some people but I do admit that I've been very lucky to have seen some of the world. As you've learned in Day 23, I've lived in many places including France. I've vacationed to the Caribbean, to Mexico, to Canada, to France, to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef. I've even vacationed to many states (besides the 8 I've lived in, there are only a few I've never been to...AL, MS, OK, NE, KS, MO, IA, SD, NM, and VT).
So...how do I pick a single photo from a single place?
Impossible.
Pick a place. That's more of a challenge than finding the photo itself. I've been to many places. Not as many as some people but I do admit that I've been very lucky to have seen some of the world. As you've learned in Day 23, I've lived in many places including France. I've vacationed to the Caribbean, to Mexico, to Canada, to France, to Australia and the Great Barrier Reef. I've even vacationed to many states (besides the 8 I've lived in, there are only a few I've never been to...AL, MS, OK, NE, KS, MO, IA, SD, NM, and VT).
So...how do I pick a single photo from a single place?
Impossible.
Challenge Day 25
What's in my purse?
I'm not a purse-changer. You know that girl, the one who moves everything in her purse to another each day so that her bag matches what she's wearing. I've done it before and occasionally feel the need to make a switch but for the most part I keep using one for a few weeks or until I get impatient with it for some reason. Like the bag I'm using now.
I love this bag. It looks amazing.I get lots of compliments on it. It's made of a buttery leather in a butterscotch color, deep pockets and an inner zipper section. There's a place to put my cell phone and even my new point-and-click camera. Too often though I get impatient trying to pry something out of this bag or even find something in this bag, something I know must be inside.
Wallet
Camera
Personal cell & charger
Work cell
Glasses
Chewing gum
Lip gloss
Migraine medicine
iPod and headphones & charger cable
Smartrip card
Day planner
Now you know more about me than you did yesterday...maybe.
I'm not a purse-changer. You know that girl, the one who moves everything in her purse to another each day so that her bag matches what she's wearing. I've done it before and occasionally feel the need to make a switch but for the most part I keep using one for a few weeks or until I get impatient with it for some reason. Like the bag I'm using now.
I love this bag. It looks amazing.I get lots of compliments on it. It's made of a buttery leather in a butterscotch color, deep pockets and an inner zipper section. There's a place to put my cell phone and even my new point-and-click camera. Too often though I get impatient trying to pry something out of this bag or even find something in this bag, something I know must be inside.
Wallet
Camera
Personal cell & charger
Work cell
Glasses
Chewing gum
Lip gloss
Migraine medicine
iPod and headphones & charger cable
Smartrip card
Day planner
Now you know more about me than you did yesterday...maybe.
Challenge Day 24
A photo of something that means a lot to you -
I have been stumped by this challenge which should have been added a couple days ago and because I'm stumped I've neglected the challenge. I will keep ruminating on this, trying to pick something. I will update this post as soon as I've figure it out.
I have been stumped by this challenge which should have been added a couple days ago and because I'm stumped I've neglected the challenge. I will keep ruminating on this, trying to pick something. I will update this post as soon as I've figure it out.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Unconditional
Literally "without conditions," no strings, no expectations for change, nothing. To be loved and accepted 100 percent "as is."
How do I love you? Do I want you to be any different than the person you are at this moment? Do I expect you to "live up to your potential" meaning what I believe your potential might be? Do I wish that something was different? Do I accept you exactly how you are, 100 percent, right now with all your imperfections? Are you perfect in my eyes?
The first person I loved unconditionally was my youngest sister, Dianna. I was twelve when we "met" and family life was so topsy-turvy, chaotic, she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Not the first sibling I came to know but the first I remember understanding what was happening outside of my tight little sphere. Sure, I would get upset with her, she's a little sister after all, and siblings by definition tend to be at odds over something or other but in my eyes she is perfect just as she is.
Luckily loving Dianna unconditionally was more like a gateway to experiencing those same feelings for my other siblings and while I still hope they never experience disappointment, are never hurt, have all their dreams come true and live happily ever after, I love them each "as is."
Most people look at another and think about what they can get from them. "I'll be friends with so-and-so because they're popular and I want to be popular too" or some other messed up rationale. Networking isn't something we should do for friends and lovers. Most people mistrust networkers anyway.
My sister-friends are women I grew to love. I met Christy during an interview and after 15 minutes in-person and a few long distance phone calls, I knew that I would be a better person with her in my life. I met Lesa at book club and while we seemed to have little in common, I was drawn to her strength and her optimism. Luckily for me she was persistent but it didn't take long to realize that without her I would stumble. I met Kay through her sister who arranged a "play date" for us. First movies and a quick bite to eat then so many other shared interests and a similar life journey. All these led to this place where we are now, caring about each other and our lives.
The experience of loving a man, a romantic partner, unconditionally did not come as easily as loving my youngest sister or my sister-friends. This unconditional love didn't happen in one fell-swoop nor did it happen without pain and suffering. I had many unrealistic expectations (a sure killer of unconditional love as expectations are the opposite of unconditional) and ended up shedding gallons of tears in the process. Yet, eventually, once forgiveness for perceived wrongs and management of expectations, I grew to love Jeff without any strings. Our friendship strengthened and I let myself love him without expectation, without condition, without needing anything back from him, not even love. By loving him in this way, he began to love me, to accept me as I am and finally our relationship moved to a place where I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally and feel love from him, knowing that no matter what I choose or do or become, he will always love me and accept me.
But, you. I didnt' look at you and think, "What can I get out of him?" I let you show me who you are and then I trusted you. Yes, that was very scary for me but that's another blog subject. I started loving you as we spent time together. I started to see you. You made it easy to love you and, even though I struggled at first, easy to be loved by you.
I can't remember the first moment I looked up, saw you smiling at me and realized that I love you as you are. Those moments happened all the time, making me smile and glow. I love you, the "you" you are now, the person who has experienced everything up to this point. I don't want you to change who you are. I love who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. Nope, I don't want any part of you to change. That doesn't mean that I wish things weren't different, I do, but not if "different" means you are different. You are extraordinary in all ways and I love you forever.
This is the sort of love I require from my partner and I realize that unconditional love takes time and effort. I know that unconditional love means letting the other person be exactly who they are, wanting nothing changed or in return for giving the gift of love and acceptance. I don't love and accept in hope of receiving love and acceptance back from him. If he chooses to love me, to accept me as I am, I am grateful but that doesn't not impede my accepting him or giving love to him. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to love differently.
How do I love you? Do I want you to be any different than the person you are at this moment? Do I expect you to "live up to your potential" meaning what I believe your potential might be? Do I wish that something was different? Do I accept you exactly how you are, 100 percent, right now with all your imperfections? Are you perfect in my eyes?
The first person I loved unconditionally was my youngest sister, Dianna. I was twelve when we "met" and family life was so topsy-turvy, chaotic, she was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Not the first sibling I came to know but the first I remember understanding what was happening outside of my tight little sphere. Sure, I would get upset with her, she's a little sister after all, and siblings by definition tend to be at odds over something or other but in my eyes she is perfect just as she is.
Luckily loving Dianna unconditionally was more like a gateway to experiencing those same feelings for my other siblings and while I still hope they never experience disappointment, are never hurt, have all their dreams come true and live happily ever after, I love them each "as is."
Most people look at another and think about what they can get from them. "I'll be friends with so-and-so because they're popular and I want to be popular too" or some other messed up rationale. Networking isn't something we should do for friends and lovers. Most people mistrust networkers anyway.
My sister-friends are women I grew to love. I met Christy during an interview and after 15 minutes in-person and a few long distance phone calls, I knew that I would be a better person with her in my life. I met Lesa at book club and while we seemed to have little in common, I was drawn to her strength and her optimism. Luckily for me she was persistent but it didn't take long to realize that without her I would stumble. I met Kay through her sister who arranged a "play date" for us. First movies and a quick bite to eat then so many other shared interests and a similar life journey. All these led to this place where we are now, caring about each other and our lives.
The experience of loving a man, a romantic partner, unconditionally did not come as easily as loving my youngest sister or my sister-friends. This unconditional love didn't happen in one fell-swoop nor did it happen without pain and suffering. I had many unrealistic expectations (a sure killer of unconditional love as expectations are the opposite of unconditional) and ended up shedding gallons of tears in the process. Yet, eventually, once forgiveness for perceived wrongs and management of expectations, I grew to love Jeff without any strings. Our friendship strengthened and I let myself love him without expectation, without condition, without needing anything back from him, not even love. By loving him in this way, he began to love me, to accept me as I am and finally our relationship moved to a place where I can honestly say that I love him unconditionally and feel love from him, knowing that no matter what I choose or do or become, he will always love me and accept me.
But, you. I didnt' look at you and think, "What can I get out of him?" I let you show me who you are and then I trusted you. Yes, that was very scary for me but that's another blog subject. I started loving you as we spent time together. I started to see you. You made it easy to love you and, even though I struggled at first, easy to be loved by you.
I can't remember the first moment I looked up, saw you smiling at me and realized that I love you as you are. Those moments happened all the time, making me smile and glow. I love you, the "you" you are now, the person who has experienced everything up to this point. I don't want you to change who you are. I love who you are. I love you. I love everything about you. Nope, I don't want any part of you to change. That doesn't mean that I wish things weren't different, I do, but not if "different" means you are different. You are extraordinary in all ways and I love you forever.
This is the sort of love I require from my partner and I realize that unconditional love takes time and effort. I know that unconditional love means letting the other person be exactly who they are, wanting nothing changed or in return for giving the gift of love and acceptance. I don't love and accept in hope of receiving love and acceptance back from him. If he chooses to love me, to accept me as I am, I am grateful but that doesn't not impede my accepting him or giving love to him. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to love differently.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Purpose
What is the point? Why am I here, on earth? I'm not suicidal, I'm just asking the question. Why do I do the things I do? Why do I care about what I care about? What IS the point?
I make sacrifices for work, sacrifices of my time and energy. I use my skills, abilities and knowledge. Why? In the grand scheme of things, how is what I am doing making any kind of difference to the world or to others or to me?
I earn money to buy things like food, clothing, shelter. So the point of work is to make money to buy necessities. Won't any work do? Why does it have to be what I do? But "necessity" implies basic. What's the point in spice then? Food is necessity and basically carbon. Why can't one food provide all I need to live instead of using all these different foods, spices, etc? Do animals require variety? Does my cat, Rascal, crave Italian sausage with peppers and onions?
Companionship. Why do I hate being alone but find myself without a significant other? Why do I constantly ask God where my Last First Kiss is hiding himself? Does this Last First Kiss actually exist? Maybe not since he's not in my life. What's the point of wanting to be with someone if no one is with me? Seems a little masochistic, don't you think?
They say (whoever "they" are) that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I must be insane...by now. I keep working hoping I'm making a difference. I keep eating hoping to keep living. I keep wanting to be part of a couple. Is my work making a difference? Am I living well? What good is hope when I'm still alone and lonely?
What is the real purpose of my life? Am I just taking up space? Going through some predestined motions? Biding my time till I die? I honestly don't get the point. Being here on earth makes absolutely no logical sense to me. I'm not going to jump ship, so don't call 9-1-1. I'm just curious to know what I'm supposed to be doing with this life I have.
What IS the point?
I make sacrifices for work, sacrifices of my time and energy. I use my skills, abilities and knowledge. Why? In the grand scheme of things, how is what I am doing making any kind of difference to the world or to others or to me?
I earn money to buy things like food, clothing, shelter. So the point of work is to make money to buy necessities. Won't any work do? Why does it have to be what I do? But "necessity" implies basic. What's the point in spice then? Food is necessity and basically carbon. Why can't one food provide all I need to live instead of using all these different foods, spices, etc? Do animals require variety? Does my cat, Rascal, crave Italian sausage with peppers and onions?
Companionship. Why do I hate being alone but find myself without a significant other? Why do I constantly ask God where my Last First Kiss is hiding himself? Does this Last First Kiss actually exist? Maybe not since he's not in my life. What's the point of wanting to be with someone if no one is with me? Seems a little masochistic, don't you think?
They say (whoever "they" are) that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. I must be insane...by now. I keep working hoping I'm making a difference. I keep eating hoping to keep living. I keep wanting to be part of a couple. Is my work making a difference? Am I living well? What good is hope when I'm still alone and lonely?
What is the real purpose of my life? Am I just taking up space? Going through some predestined motions? Biding my time till I die? I honestly don't get the point. Being here on earth makes absolutely no logical sense to me. I'm not going to jump ship, so don't call 9-1-1. I'm just curious to know what I'm supposed to be doing with this life I have.
What IS the point?
Challenge Day 23
Fifteen facts about me -
In no particular order...
In no particular order...
- I have lived in 8 states (NY, NJ, FL, UT, MT, WA, MN, VA), 1 "District" (DC) and 1 foreign country (France).
- I am the only one of my 6 siblings with no biological children.
- I have had the same cell phone number since 1999.
- My first kiss was Patrick Dempsey but I'm sure he doesn't remember me.
- I used to collect shopping bags from all over the world.
- My dream car is a Corvette (ask me some time about what bells & whistles I want).
- I've seen my favorite band, in concert, 8 times--six in an 18-month period in different states (CA, MA, AZ, WA, UT, NY).
- My favorite color to look at is yellow, like the sun; my favorite color to wear is pink.
- I am more shy than I let on.
- I have had a crush on Alexander Hamilton (yes, I know, he's dead) since 6th grade.
- I hate having my picture taken.
- My maternal grandfather was murdered in 1985.
- I got my driver's license when I was 24 years-old.
- I have snowboarded in WA, UT and AK.
- I had difficulty coming up with 14 facts about me, especially facts most people don't know.
Challenge Day 22
A letter to someone who has hurt me recently -
I don't believe that people hurt me, not the way this challenge means. Yes, I can be physically assaulted but my feelings are not "hurt" by others. My response to other people leads to hurt feelings. Others cannot harm my feelings. Have I responded in such a way that led to hurt feelings in the last weeks? Definitely but I will not place blame on others for that response. So, how about this...
My dearest friend,
You cannot hurt me. I will not allow it and it's not your nature. Oh you may want to lash out and target me for whatever reason but how you are to me or what you say to me or others about me cannot really hurt me. My response to your actions, your words, even your thoughts are my responses and I have stewardship over them, not you.
I have not intentionally hurt you but if your feelings hurt because of my actions, I am sorry for it. I wish that you would understand and forgive whatever you believe of me. I did not lie to you or exclude you or think any less of you. I did not mean to offend, step over whatever line, led to you believing that I was your enemy, even for a short time.
Yes, my feelings have suffered but not because of you even though your intention may have been otherwise. My feelings suffered because I had expectations about my life that were not met by others, by me, by life, by you, and those disappointments injured my heart. I didn't manage my expectations and I suffered.
I am not angry. That is a waste of energy and emotion. I feel disappointment. I feel loss. I feel threatened. I feel alone and lonely. These are my feelings and you did not cause them. I chose them and it's time for me to choose others.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow and be the person I always wanted to be, to be me.
Always,
Bonnie
FINE PRINT: This "letter" isn't intended for one person so please don't read it and think "She is writing to me" because I'm probably not. If it really bothers you, just ask me. I will tell you what parts are for you, if any.
I don't believe that people hurt me, not the way this challenge means. Yes, I can be physically assaulted but my feelings are not "hurt" by others. My response to other people leads to hurt feelings. Others cannot harm my feelings. Have I responded in such a way that led to hurt feelings in the last weeks? Definitely but I will not place blame on others for that response. So, how about this...
My dearest friend,
You cannot hurt me. I will not allow it and it's not your nature. Oh you may want to lash out and target me for whatever reason but how you are to me or what you say to me or others about me cannot really hurt me. My response to your actions, your words, even your thoughts are my responses and I have stewardship over them, not you.
I have not intentionally hurt you but if your feelings hurt because of my actions, I am sorry for it. I wish that you would understand and forgive whatever you believe of me. I did not lie to you or exclude you or think any less of you. I did not mean to offend, step over whatever line, led to you believing that I was your enemy, even for a short time.
Yes, my feelings have suffered but not because of you even though your intention may have been otherwise. My feelings suffered because I had expectations about my life that were not met by others, by me, by life, by you, and those disappointments injured my heart. I didn't manage my expectations and I suffered.
I am not angry. That is a waste of energy and emotion. I feel disappointment. I feel loss. I feel threatened. I feel alone and lonely. These are my feelings and you did not cause them. I chose them and it's time for me to choose others.
Thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow and be the person I always wanted to be, to be me.
Always,
Bonnie
FINE PRINT: This "letter" isn't intended for one person so please don't read it and think "She is writing to me" because I'm probably not. If it really bothers you, just ask me. I will tell you what parts are for you, if any.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Challenge Day 21
A photo of something that makes me happy -
Shall I post a picture of my family? How about my friends? What about a photo of Paris or New York City? Music makes me happy and so does food--I could post a picture of one of those things. I could download a picture of something special I guess but does that miss the point of the challenge?
I will have to think about this a little while longer.
Shall I post a picture of my family? How about my friends? What about a photo of Paris or New York City? Music makes me happy and so does food--I could post a picture of one of those things. I could download a picture of something special I guess but does that miss the point of the challenge?
I will have to think about this a little while longer.
Challenge Day 20
The meaning behind my blog name -
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Well, the name of my blog is "Thoughts and Dreams" and that seems pretty self-explanatory, at least to me. This is the place where I can share those things that might usually end up in my journal but I need someone else to read/know/hear. So far there are quite a few rants about being heart-broken and sad. I don't quite feel "over" my last relationship but I do feel like I need to be moving on...at least this blog needs to move on. I do have other thoughts and lots of dreams.
In fact, I'm starting another blog specifically for some of those other thoughts and many of those dreams.
Challenge Day 19
Another picture of myself -
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
I bought a new point-and-click camera last night to complete this challenge and then had to charge the battery. Now that the battery's charged I'm not ready to take a self-portrait. I'm asking for an extension...just for this day's challenge and just because I don't want to use a photo of me from my past. I hate having my picture taken and rarely think I look good in pictures so waiting to complete this challenge is also about overcoming that discomfort as well.
I appreciate the latitude and will post a new photo of me very soon.
------------------------------------------------
Voila!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Withdraw
Regret is a terrible emotion, a terrible place to be. When I make a choice to do something or say something, I am not thinking "I sure hope this makes my life more difficult" or "I hope that once I say this I'll feel badly about myself." Unfortunately I do say things or do things that I wish I could take back. I would love a rewind button. I'd go back and withdraw whatever it is that I did or said that has brought me to the place where I start to think about regret...
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Right now, I want to rewind to 11:55 AM. I want to stand beside myself and say, "Bonnie, in 15 minutes what you're feeling will pass so be strong for a little while longer. Hang on, endure, persist. You won't be able to take it back and you'll spend hours worrying about it. So please don't." Would I listen to me or would I have some flippant remark about how I know best?
Is it arrogance that leads to the greatest regrets in life? Possibly, at least in my experience. And, now, arrogance is gone. Regret is left in its place and regret tastes like ash. I am sorry, more sorry than I can express.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Challenge Day 18
Something I crave a lot -
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
I say it's because I'm a New Yorker and New Yorker's LOVE food. We don't eat to live. We live to eat and enjoy great food. When you're from the "City that never sleeps" you're used to enjoying all manner of edible delicacies...pizza, Chinese food, pretzels, hot dogs, to name a few. There are foods I don't eat since leaving the Big Apple just because no one prepares these meals like a New Yorker and thinking about it makes me hungry for all sorts of yummy food.
Unfortunately being a New Yorker does not mean that my usual craving has anything to do with fine dining. The one thing I crave most over all others is chocolate--deep, dark, strong, smooth, foreign...chocolate (yes, I realize that I could have been describing a man and I will admit that my tastes in chocolate translate fairly well into my taste in men).
I don't eat the candy you find at 7Eleven or even the neighborhood market--that stuff tastes like wax to me. I like the stuff you find in the gourmet grocer aisles with 60% cocoa or more. I especially love Madagascan or South American or African chocolate. I love chocolate with chili or cayenne pepper. I love chocolate with lavender. I love chocolate.
A friend once gave me a plaque to hang at my desk at work. "I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter." Exactly!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Challenge Day 17
A photo of me and my family -
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
I have a large, ever-growing family and too often we're missing one or another even when we've planned a gathering. Weddings are usually a good bet but those pictures are stuck in non-digital medium for the most part. Births and Mormon baptisms get a good showing too.
This is how we were back in 1990 (or there about, I'd have to do some significant research to find out exactly what year we took this picture). I love to point out that I'd been having regular professional sessions with a studio in Provo and so when the photographer said, "Bonnie, tilt your head slightly and lean toward your mom" I did just that. My god, we look so young...innocent, sweet, hahahaha...how blood will tell, right?
Since that picture it's been tougher to get us all in one place, sitting still and my sisters tend to be pregnant so the family isn't done growing...here's an update from 2008 and, yes, Brenda is pregnant with another set of twins:
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Look at that platinum hair! I loved that hair. Mikal, my sister's eldest, is always goofing off--that's her with the tongue out. Luckily everyone else is behaving slightly more appropriately though this is one millisecond in time so it's quite an achievement to catch on film.
They may be crazy but they're mine and I love them!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Release
i want to let you go i want to move on feel free of you of your love of all the memories of the ghost of you in my life i want you back i want to be released i want something i cannot put a finger on or describe adequately i want to stop thinking feeling being hurt lost down blue green jealous anxious i want to be free like you are free like you seem free of it all i want to erase all memory of you i want to erase all hope for the happiness we could have should have would have had if everything were different i am tired of being that girl the one he wishes he met before before them before her before this before that before what you didn't you met me now and now it's time to choose oh you did you chose but not me i should be grateful right but i'm not i can't think of any reason to be glad only all the reasons why i asked you to pick me and i see all your reasons for not picking me because i'm not dumb or blind or whatever you must believe about me i see hard times ahead for me for you for everyone i see recovery and release but i also see time and distance i am looking for changes to make so that i am not reminded every day of you of what i lost yes i feel like there was a competition and i could have won but i didn't i lost i want to limit the number of times i'm reminded of you of us of love of happy of smiling of laughing of looking at you and seeing what i have wanted but what i cannot have what someone else gets i hope she loves you that she never once looks at you and thinks she could have done better or wishes you were different that she never takes who you are for granted i want to be released of all this of this conversation in my head this constant nagging feeling that i will never be the same again and that without you i will struggle to survive my life because with you i would have overcome mountainous obstacles i would have become an amazing woman and partner i would have learned to really love forever i would have known what being accepted as is one hundred percent please let me go so i can let you go i don't want to let you go i don't want you to let me go i don't want our link broken i am not the best i can be without you in my life but i need release i need new memories i need love and acceptance i need you i need you in my life to love me to protect me to take care of me and i need to love you and protect you and take care of you but i know that is just me hoping dreaming wanting more than is possible from life from you from this when will we be okay happy free whole is it a choice i make to suffer to continue or is something really wrong with the way things are right now i don't want you to suffer and being with me means you will suffer i cannot ask that of you because i do i do love you and i do want you to be happy i want to be happy too not being with you means i suffer i want to be happy i want to be loved i want to be accepted i want to be released released from pain
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